And that, my friend, is what I call...

CLOSURE.

20: Some questions remain...

Questions remaining… MANAGEMENT, these are for you. I dare you to try to answer these. If the allegations against us are true:

• why would I have hosted a MDO (which B and Member A attended) at my house?
• why would I have driven 40-50 minutes away, TWICE, late at night to karaoke with B and other mommies (including Member A) when I was an EBF mother with a child who woke often at night and was up very early in the mornings?
• why would we still be supporting [local mommies group]'s members?
• why would my sister AND my neighbor be even more active on the site now, after I was bitch-slapped by the group?
• why would I have spent my time and money making several [local mommies group] shirts for myself to wear proudly in order to help recruit (by the way, wearing them now is like wearing a scarlet letter... so they are up for grabs if anyone wants them)?
• why would I have spent days making (by myself, with an infant) almost 20 t-shirts for the [local mommies group] for the American Heart Association Heart Walk, only asking for as much money as I needed to cover the materials? Any additional money that was leftover was sent in as a donation to the AHA (in addition to the hundreds of dollars from friends and family that I raised)…
• why would I have contributed to a yard sale for a foundation that one of the [local mommies group] members is working very hard to start up?
• why would many of us have genuinely offered to help Member A, the pathetic woman who started it all, with anything she might need for the two children she is so selflessly (??) fostering?
• why would I have spent my own money on materials needed to print out many, many copies of [local mommies group] fliers to recruit members?
• why would we have spent our own money on non-returnable items for gifts bags for the quarterly birthday parties that we also helped to plan?
• why would we have spent our own money on materials for the Christmas Parade?
• why would I have initiated a groupwide playdate at the Aquarium which was attended by many moms, dads, and children?
• WTF ever happened to the "good proof" that you had that I broke "rule #6"? Once you realized that that was a total fluff accusation, were you motivated to start digging the mountain that you made from this mole hill??
• why would I have contacted the media on behalf of [local mommies group] as part of the Promotions Committee? By the way, my media connection put me in touch with someone who contacted me and another [local mommies group] member. This must be the kind of "trouble" you banned me for, hmm?

19: Final messages...

Here’s a final message to the current members:

Please continue to be invaluable resources for one another. You (and your children) will benefit more from one another than from any books, doctors, or Internet sites. I hope you can continue to love and use the site like you always have, but just be careful about what you say (on and off the boards) because sadly, you never know who is watching and what their motives are.

Add a disclaimer to your emails and know your audience, because if your words end up in the wrong hands, even if you say something in jest, they can and will be used against you. Here… you can use my disclaimer (put it in your signature… and you might also want to consider adding an abbreviated one to your [local mommies group] siggy too:

This email transmission and any documents, files or previous email messages attached to it may contain information that is confidential or legally privileged. If you are not the intended recipient or a person responsible for delivering this transmission to the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that you must not read this transmission and that any disclosure, copying, printing, distribution or use of this transmission is strictly prohibited. If you have received this transmission in error, please immediately notify the sender by telephone or return email and delete the original transmission and its attachments without reading or saving in any manner.

Best of luck to all of you, and I hope to stay in touch!

Here’s a final message to the management and to Member A:

Management... oh, how you have disappointed me! I thought highly of the management team collectively before all of this started. I even recommended B and M for the SA positions (and wrote a PM to K stating so); as a matter of fact, I think it was MY suggestion of co-administration that gave one or both of them the push they may have needed or wanted to apply for the position. I’m sure you can verify that in one of the threads, if it has not been deleted or altered already. I (along with a few others) even helped one member of management with the wording for her SA application when she was having trouble finding a way to say that [local mommies group] was “un-cliquey” (ooooh the irony).

I’m sorry that you collectively as well as individually handled this situation so poorly, because I’m afraid it may have found its way into the subconsciouses of many of your members. I hope that the wonderful community that you govern is able to get back to “normal” after such a debacle, but I urge you, management, to put a little more faith and trust in the community over which you govern. They are wonderful women and deserve more than you have shown over the past couple of months.

I have no idea what to think about Member A! Is she just a pitiable person? Is she a sociopath (Webster’s definition: of, relating to, or characterized by asocial or antisocial behavior or exhibiting antisocial personality disorder)? Is she just a sad individual looking for validation (making others look bad to make herself look good)? I thought (and hoped) at first that her motives were altruistic, but some very convincing evidence that has been shared along the way disproved that theory! I have ONCE AGAIN been left to assume, since she never bothered to talk to us first.

Member A really doesn't matter. She has surfaced recently, interestingly enough. She contacted one of the Accused Six. Apparently she is feeling remorseful now, but to whom and for what is not exactly clear. She doesn't want to communicate via email, however, because "too many things get misinterpreted" that way. I find THAT ironic since she didn't seem to have any problem misinterpreting the emails that she brought to the attention of management. She also admitted to starting her blog because she was "pissed that there were so many assumptions and so much name calling," yet that is exactly what SHE did to us.

She said she'd meet to talk in person, but I can bet that offer doesn't extend to me... you know, the biggest bitch of 'em all. The real danger. So I'll be left aside ONCE AGAIN as my name gets brought up and trashed without any opportunity for me to defend or explain myself. This has all gotten so OLD, and if I feel that way, then you know it must be true. So who knows what her intentions are (hers and so many others are not necessarily what they seem)... I think we're all tired of playing this game.

But YOU, management… I had much higher hopes for you. Do you three really think you’re as bad judges of character as this mess has made you look? If The Accused Six are really these awful stealth bitches that you have made us out to be, why did it take almost a year for you to “find us out”? Why have you complimented us over and over again? Why have you asked us to take on positions of leadership, if we are so awful? The answer is: your instincts were right, and your interpretations were wrong. We’re not bitches (well, maybe sometimes) but we never had anything but good things to offer the group. Meanwhile, a real stealth bitch (or two) is still on the prowl… and still on the boards.

I have been a fan of M, B, and R since the beginning. I occasionally questioned the maturity level of B, but that is only because of the way her posts during a tumultuous time in her life made her appear. Any poor judgments made without knowing a context would not be fair to her. It’s just too bad she didn’t extend me the same courtesy. I thought I got to know a little more of her personally, but I guess I misjudged her too. I thought she was someone worthwhile...

I have very limited experience with R, but I always thought that she was “good people.” Her posts, PMs, and the one time I met her in person all seemed to solidify my positive impression of her. But then she colored impressions under the guise of trying to respect privacies… call me crazy, but words and phrases like “shocking” and “not necessarily a bad thing” when cryptically describing this debacle are not exactly appropriate phrases to use when you’re trying to “protect” the members involved.

M has surprised me the most. I’ve always seen her as a good person and an excellent site administrator. And I thought that she had a much better head on her shoulders. I thought and hoped that maybe she was just being pushed along and/or bullied with the dominant personality (or personalities) on this case until I heard about a few things (assumptions, judgments) that were made by her, specifically about me. WOW! If the masses only knew… I think she'll continue to live in ignorant bliss, refusing eye contact and avoiding "banned mommies" when she accidentally runs into them at egg hunts and such. Such a politician... perfect for the job.

I often wonder who those dominant personalities are; the ones who are pulling the puppet strings. I have recently discovered that it is theorized among many current members that R is the driving force: she is the one who brought this to [the network]. Come on. I guess even the most simple minds can build complex messes if there’s a real need.

I was also assured that M was probably “bullied” into following suit, but… no, M wasn’t bullied into being judgmental at a lunch meeting recently. And M wasn’t bullied into not replying to her personal emails and voicemails. And M wasn’t bullied into deleting me from her Myspace. M might be a pushover, but she had a few redeeming qualities… none of which surfaced during this scenario. Ahh, well. Can’t win ‘em all, M.

Sigh, sigh. Who cares. I'm tired of it, and of the sneaky, catty, girl-fight bitchdom that I inadvertently moved into when I came here from New York three years ago! I am too old for this. So are all of you. We know where our faults lie, and we know the wrong we did. We have come to terms with and admitted any wrongdoing on our part; most of us have even apologized. But I will not apologize for things I didn't say or mean-- things that were put in my mouth by others' interpretations. I am not sorry for something I did not say or do; but YOU PEOPLE should be. Where is YOUR remorse? Where are YOUR apologies?

Member A (or any of you!), if you have something to say, then just say it. Put the nails in the coffin already. That's what the rest of us are and have been trying to do, but you and your cronies keep prying it open. Even the anonymous ignoramus thinks it should end already! She says "You all started this and NEED to finish it." Of course, our stories are out. We finished it. That's why we blogged. So maybe you should go make an equally eloquent comment to Member A and management, and all their "followers." It IS time to move on. E-N-O-U-G-H.

I'm sure this blog will get trashed with comments and I am even MORE sure that the comments will be anonymous. That seems to be how the hotheads (other than us, haha) with the big-mouths work. I don't blame them; there's no substance to their words, so they don't have anything productive to contribute. I think they just want to vent and say mean things. Maybe THEY should start a blog for that! I'm trying to purge the negativity from my life-- it's all going on this Mama-Drama blog, and on my Purge Negativity blog. It's actually pretty therapeutic, anonymous ignorami! Try it!

The only difference between OUR way of sharing our sides and "their" way is that we did it in writing, and they yapped their traps. Anonymous ignorami criticize us for authoring these blogs, but "they" are no different. Well, maybe a little. They're worse. We may take heat for writing blogs, but at least what we have is factual, forthright, and available to anyone. Their "verbal blogs" only go to a select audience and they lack details, are inconsistent, and the story always seems to be changing.

Someone once told me that you have to be careful of women in power because their motives are not usually logical, just, or provoked by a genuine cause; rather, their motives are inspired by emotion and selfishness, and they play to win no matter the means. I never, never believed that. I was 22 when I heard that… fresh out of college, just starting to break into the real world. I refused to believe it! I’m sorry to say that now, ten years later, and in light of recent events, I am starting to believe it. Way to go, management! SCORE ONE (step backwards) for the women’s movement! And some of you have daughters?!?! For shame.

18: The LAST word (but it wasn't Godmomma's!)

I didn't think I would hear back from Godmomma after my last email. I hoped I would (her completely absurd emails had been entertaining lately) to see what else she could pull from thin air with which to fight, but I guess even she knew she had nothing to say.

The [local mommies group] network administrator, K, did email me though (prompted by my sister however; none of these women have the social or administrative skills to act appropriately without being prodded). Notice that the email was total fluff. It addressed nothing; I had said repeatedly that I didn't want my membership to be reinstated. They clearly had nothing to say.

Here is K's email to me, informing me of the official and final decision about nothing other than my membership status. It was sent on 3/5/08 at 10:21PM. But please know that I am the intended recipient, so you are not allowed to read it. ;)

The decision to ban you and the others will remain. I am sorry if that was not the answer you were hoping for. The Board has based their decision on experience in handling over 70 other sites and their issues, the information you have sent and the evidence they reviewed previously. This decision is final and will remain.

Here is my response... sent (to [K], Godmomma, and [network] admin) on 3/31/08 at 10:59PM.
Hello, [K].

Thank you for letting me know of the outcome of my final review, although I assumed I would not be reinstated. As I indicated in my last email, I wasn't interested in being reinstated after all that has happened. While I appreciate your explanation of the reasoning behind the "final decision" that was made by the Board, it wasn't really necessary. [Godmomma] stated it clearly in her last email to me: "Any other reason deemed inappropriate in the reasonable opinion of [the network] Administration. [The network] also reserves the right to terminate the membership of any individual without cause or reason." While the first part of this quote is a sentence fragment and doesn't make sense, the second part is very clear. It's painfully obvious to many as well that this is what has happened.

Not an ounce of "proof" of the allegations against me has ever been provided, even after multiple requests. In my experience, proof has always been an important criterion in the decision-making process. Now that I see how [the network] is governed, things are making more sense, and proof, nor reason, seem to be part of its governance.

Thank you for your time, and be well.

Kristin [last name]

17: In conclusion...

So that’s it. Those are the emails and that’s the story.

After reading all of these posts, is anyone else wondering why the five other members of “The Accused Six” didn’t interpret my words the same way Member A claimed to, and the same way management did? Why didn’t my peers, my friends, interpret my words incorrectly? It’s because I have become close with them, and because they know me. Member A (who was a recent addition to the “email loop”) does not know me, and nor does management.

Who, of the following four choices, is the least qualified to interpret words written by me… circle all that apply:
a) myself
b) my peers… the ones to whom the words were intended
c) a stranger (and late addition to the email loop) with an agenda
d) a few more strangers who happen to have the power to ban accounts

Answer that question honestly, and you’ll get the honest answer to the whole mess. Oh, and please feel free to share it.

16: The FINAL word... or so they thought.

On 2/5/08 at 12:43PM, Godmomma replied, reprimanding me for “harassing” her staff and “accusing” them of breaking rules (if the shoe fits…). By the way, I sent two emails TOTAL to the staff. That’s harassment? Two emails? Seriously? Anyway, she informed me that the board is, in fact, reviewing my case but continuing to harass would only hurt my case (sounds like a threat to me). She also reminded me that the network could terminate any membership and did not need to provide a reason (another threat?). No problem; my primary concern is to share my side of the story, not to reacquire my membership.

Anyway, she very firmly asked me not to email her staff, and told me that she’d be in touch when THEY were able to. My reply to this most recent email of hers was written immediately upon receipt of her nasty reply, and has been ready to be sent, but out of respect for her request, I am waiting to hear from her before I send it. After all, she DID say “please.”

Also, in the context of Godmomma's email, I discovered the fact that my sister had gone to bat for me and sent a message of her own to the [local mommies group] network administrator, K, who asked my sister’s permission to send it to Godmomma. My sister gave her permission. Godmomma referenced my sister’s part in my case which was NEWS TO ME as I did not know she had been fighting for me. Godmomma shouldn’t have referenced my sister’s part in all of this without permission.

Here is her final email to me. But please know that I am the intended recipient, so you are not allowed to read it. ;)

Kristie,

with all due respect, harassing my team is not an effective means of getting your point across. Nor is quoting our rules and accusing our team of breaking the rules. Something you failed to note in your incredibly long email is the following from the terms and conditions of membership:

Conditions of Membership [blah, blah, lots of stuff, but this part singled out and bolded:] Any other reason deemed inappropriate in the reasonable opinion of [the network]. [the network] also reserves the right to terminate the membership of any individual without cause or reason.

That said, after receiving your LAST email, we have been reviewing your account. We are a volunteer- ONLY organization and all have many other things that we work on besides member issues with individual sites. We are reviewing your account and are considering allowing you back with some considerations; however, continuing to harass my staff will hurt your case.

Please stop emailing my staff. We will notify you when WE are able in regards to the request your sister made on your behalf, as well as your own request.

Sincerely,

[Godmomma]

And... my final reply, sent 3/3/08 at 8:59PM (I know, I said I would wait to hear from her before I replied, but come on. It's been almost a month since she made that promise. Mother Theresa doesn't even have THAT much patience):

[Godmomma],

It's unfortunate that the emails that you have sent me over the past few weeks have always seemed to have a very hostile and impatient tone. It seems as though my fate was sealed before even the first email was sent.

Please know that although I composed this email the moment I received your last one, I have patiently waited to send it (out of respect for your request). This is a perfect example the sort of mutual respect that I feel has been lacking on the part of [local mommies group] and [the network] over the past month. However, I will not wait any longer. It has been about five weeks since this mess began, and almost a month since you assured me that you were reviewing my account. I do understand that this issue is not (and should not be) your first order of business, as you are also a mother; however, what I don't think you understand is that this issue has had a huge effect on my life, so to me, it is important. I am certain that, if the tables were turned and your reputation was at stake, you would be able to understand and would be more likely to make it a priority.

It is unfortunate that you felt that I was "harassing" your staff. The email I most recently sent was actually only the second email I have sent the board, and I did not consider that sending only two messages would qualify as "harassment." I felt that I had no other choice but to include the board of directors in the first email that I sent them, as I had heard nothing from [local mommies group] Management other than my account was under review for breaking rule #6 (which I did not break). More recently I felt that I had no other choice in terms of sharing my side of this series of events but to include the board of directors in the attached second email that I sent them, as I had no indication from you of any further action in response to the multiple emails addressed only to you, or that my first (and only other) email to the board had been received. You never acknowledged the receipt of any single one of my emails, a practice I believe to be common courtesy.

My initial purpose of pointing out the discrepancy with regard to the rules and that many members of [local] and [network] management were not following them was not to be "accusatory," as you assumed, but to simply request that all parties involved adhere to these rules. Since then the blatant inconsistent treatment of all those involved in this case seem to lead to only one conclusion: the rules were being selectively applied, and administration was above them. Your sensitivity to that topic further supports this conclusion.

I knew from the very beginning that management could simply "terminate the membership of any individual without cause or reason," but we both know this is not the case with my membership. My membership was terminated for a specific reason (which [local] management stated in their email to me), and that reason is what I was contesting and trying to clarify. If, by stating that condition in your response to me, you are implying that you are planning to permanently ban my membership for no reason now after all that has transpired, that is your prerogative as the President of [the network]. I do not think that will make you look very just or objective. Also, once again, my membership is not what I am fighting for. My reputation is what I am fighting for.

I do hope you continue to look into my account and investigate my side of the story, but that is all I want. I understand that you are a volunteer, as I have stated in my correspondence. I understand that you selflessly donate your time when you have many other things going on in your life, as I have stated, and thanked you for, in my correspondence. I empathize, actually, because I am a mother and a volunteer as well. I have never demanded replies within time limits (save in response to the "48 hours" which was an offer initiated by Management), as I understand the nature of your and the directors' positions with [the network], so if you or any other members of Management are feeling time pressure to send detailed and researched replies, please know that it is not pressure coming from me.

All I am requesting (and have been requesting from the beginning) is the opportunity to share my side of the story. I still welcome any correspondence via email, via telephone, or in person, but please do not worry about reinstating me. That was not the point of my continued correspondence. I merely wanted to be heard. While I would be pleasantly surprised at an effort to reinstate my [local mommies group] membership, I would also expect and appreciate a public apology after all that has happened. The tones of your emails lead me to believe that you would probably not consider that, however, and if you (or the members of [local] management) are unwilling to agree to this contingency, then I would respectfully decline the motion for reinstatement of my membership.

I was unaware of my sister's request on my behalf, but I have taken that up with her. I do not want her involved in any more of this, as she was unfairly involved in the beginning and I feel her reputation may now also be sullied simply by association.

This entire "account review" process has been reminiscent of dealing with a middle school clique. You continue to tell me what is and isn't "an effective means" to get my point across, or to have my membership reinstated, but to that, I say this: it would benefit you to reflect upon your own communication skills. The accusatory and judgmental language and tones of your messages and the lack of email etiquette shock me, as your organization exists on the Internet! I outgrew the middle school mentality and I respect myself far too much to be part of a group affiliated with a person (the president, no less) whom I have come to know as an unjust, vindictive, judgmental, and close-minded tyrant. You should be ashamed; the idea of [the network] is a wonderful one, and one that should be governed by people worthy of the same description. I have limited to no knowledge of the board of directors, but I have come to know you, and "wonderful" is not a word I would ever use to describe you. It's a shame, for the sake of [the network], its groups across the country, and most of all, the members.

The five other women with whom I stood accused are five of the most amazing women I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. None of them are perfect, but they are all remarkable. The four members (including myself) whose accounts you recommended to ban for were four of the most enthusiastic members of [local mommies group]. We were all invaluable assets to [local mommies group] and we were "getting things done." Had warnings been provided to us (as per the rules) and had [the network] "disciplined" us instead of banning us, perhaps the entire [local mommies] community would not have had to suffer.

Finally, please know that although I have been (and continue to be) very clearly discriminated against within the [local mommies group] community as a direct result of this unfortunate chain of events, and although I have lost respect for some of the [local mommies group] members and Management, I have never lost respect for the purpose of the community as a whole; I still hold the idea of [local mommies group] in very high regard. I sincerely hope that the recent events do not continue to negatively affect the enthusiasm of the current members and that they continue to be wonderful sources of support for local mothers.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Kristin [last name]