And that, my friend, is what I call...

CLOSURE.

20: Some questions remain...

Questions remaining… MANAGEMENT, these are for you. I dare you to try to answer these. If the allegations against us are true:

• why would I have hosted a MDO (which B and Member A attended) at my house?
• why would I have driven 40-50 minutes away, TWICE, late at night to karaoke with B and other mommies (including Member A) when I was an EBF mother with a child who woke often at night and was up very early in the mornings?
• why would we still be supporting [local mommies group]'s members?
• why would my sister AND my neighbor be even more active on the site now, after I was bitch-slapped by the group?
• why would I have spent my time and money making several [local mommies group] shirts for myself to wear proudly in order to help recruit (by the way, wearing them now is like wearing a scarlet letter... so they are up for grabs if anyone wants them)?
• why would I have spent days making (by myself, with an infant) almost 20 t-shirts for the [local mommies group] for the American Heart Association Heart Walk, only asking for as much money as I needed to cover the materials? Any additional money that was leftover was sent in as a donation to the AHA (in addition to the hundreds of dollars from friends and family that I raised)…
• why would I have contributed to a yard sale for a foundation that one of the [local mommies group] members is working very hard to start up?
• why would many of us have genuinely offered to help Member A, the pathetic woman who started it all, with anything she might need for the two children she is so selflessly (??) fostering?
• why would I have spent my own money on materials needed to print out many, many copies of [local mommies group] fliers to recruit members?
• why would we have spent our own money on non-returnable items for gifts bags for the quarterly birthday parties that we also helped to plan?
• why would we have spent our own money on materials for the Christmas Parade?
• why would I have initiated a groupwide playdate at the Aquarium which was attended by many moms, dads, and children?
• WTF ever happened to the "good proof" that you had that I broke "rule #6"? Once you realized that that was a total fluff accusation, were you motivated to start digging the mountain that you made from this mole hill??
• why would I have contacted the media on behalf of [local mommies group] as part of the Promotions Committee? By the way, my media connection put me in touch with someone who contacted me and another [local mommies group] member. This must be the kind of "trouble" you banned me for, hmm?

19: Final messages...

Here’s a final message to the current members:

Please continue to be invaluable resources for one another. You (and your children) will benefit more from one another than from any books, doctors, or Internet sites. I hope you can continue to love and use the site like you always have, but just be careful about what you say (on and off the boards) because sadly, you never know who is watching and what their motives are.

Add a disclaimer to your emails and know your audience, because if your words end up in the wrong hands, even if you say something in jest, they can and will be used against you. Here… you can use my disclaimer (put it in your signature… and you might also want to consider adding an abbreviated one to your [local mommies group] siggy too:

This email transmission and any documents, files or previous email messages attached to it may contain information that is confidential or legally privileged. If you are not the intended recipient or a person responsible for delivering this transmission to the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that you must not read this transmission and that any disclosure, copying, printing, distribution or use of this transmission is strictly prohibited. If you have received this transmission in error, please immediately notify the sender by telephone or return email and delete the original transmission and its attachments without reading or saving in any manner.

Best of luck to all of you, and I hope to stay in touch!

Here’s a final message to the management and to Member A:

Management... oh, how you have disappointed me! I thought highly of the management team collectively before all of this started. I even recommended B and M for the SA positions (and wrote a PM to K stating so); as a matter of fact, I think it was MY suggestion of co-administration that gave one or both of them the push they may have needed or wanted to apply for the position. I’m sure you can verify that in one of the threads, if it has not been deleted or altered already. I (along with a few others) even helped one member of management with the wording for her SA application when she was having trouble finding a way to say that [local mommies group] was “un-cliquey” (ooooh the irony).

I’m sorry that you collectively as well as individually handled this situation so poorly, because I’m afraid it may have found its way into the subconsciouses of many of your members. I hope that the wonderful community that you govern is able to get back to “normal” after such a debacle, but I urge you, management, to put a little more faith and trust in the community over which you govern. They are wonderful women and deserve more than you have shown over the past couple of months.

I have no idea what to think about Member A! Is she just a pitiable person? Is she a sociopath (Webster’s definition: of, relating to, or characterized by asocial or antisocial behavior or exhibiting antisocial personality disorder)? Is she just a sad individual looking for validation (making others look bad to make herself look good)? I thought (and hoped) at first that her motives were altruistic, but some very convincing evidence that has been shared along the way disproved that theory! I have ONCE AGAIN been left to assume, since she never bothered to talk to us first.

Member A really doesn't matter. She has surfaced recently, interestingly enough. She contacted one of the Accused Six. Apparently she is feeling remorseful now, but to whom and for what is not exactly clear. She doesn't want to communicate via email, however, because "too many things get misinterpreted" that way. I find THAT ironic since she didn't seem to have any problem misinterpreting the emails that she brought to the attention of management. She also admitted to starting her blog because she was "pissed that there were so many assumptions and so much name calling," yet that is exactly what SHE did to us.

She said she'd meet to talk in person, but I can bet that offer doesn't extend to me... you know, the biggest bitch of 'em all. The real danger. So I'll be left aside ONCE AGAIN as my name gets brought up and trashed without any opportunity for me to defend or explain myself. This has all gotten so OLD, and if I feel that way, then you know it must be true. So who knows what her intentions are (hers and so many others are not necessarily what they seem)... I think we're all tired of playing this game.

But YOU, management… I had much higher hopes for you. Do you three really think you’re as bad judges of character as this mess has made you look? If The Accused Six are really these awful stealth bitches that you have made us out to be, why did it take almost a year for you to “find us out”? Why have you complimented us over and over again? Why have you asked us to take on positions of leadership, if we are so awful? The answer is: your instincts were right, and your interpretations were wrong. We’re not bitches (well, maybe sometimes) but we never had anything but good things to offer the group. Meanwhile, a real stealth bitch (or two) is still on the prowl… and still on the boards.

I have been a fan of M, B, and R since the beginning. I occasionally questioned the maturity level of B, but that is only because of the way her posts during a tumultuous time in her life made her appear. Any poor judgments made without knowing a context would not be fair to her. It’s just too bad she didn’t extend me the same courtesy. I thought I got to know a little more of her personally, but I guess I misjudged her too. I thought she was someone worthwhile...

I have very limited experience with R, but I always thought that she was “good people.” Her posts, PMs, and the one time I met her in person all seemed to solidify my positive impression of her. But then she colored impressions under the guise of trying to respect privacies… call me crazy, but words and phrases like “shocking” and “not necessarily a bad thing” when cryptically describing this debacle are not exactly appropriate phrases to use when you’re trying to “protect” the members involved.

M has surprised me the most. I’ve always seen her as a good person and an excellent site administrator. And I thought that she had a much better head on her shoulders. I thought and hoped that maybe she was just being pushed along and/or bullied with the dominant personality (or personalities) on this case until I heard about a few things (assumptions, judgments) that were made by her, specifically about me. WOW! If the masses only knew… I think she'll continue to live in ignorant bliss, refusing eye contact and avoiding "banned mommies" when she accidentally runs into them at egg hunts and such. Such a politician... perfect for the job.

I often wonder who those dominant personalities are; the ones who are pulling the puppet strings. I have recently discovered that it is theorized among many current members that R is the driving force: she is the one who brought this to [the network]. Come on. I guess even the most simple minds can build complex messes if there’s a real need.

I was also assured that M was probably “bullied” into following suit, but… no, M wasn’t bullied into being judgmental at a lunch meeting recently. And M wasn’t bullied into not replying to her personal emails and voicemails. And M wasn’t bullied into deleting me from her Myspace. M might be a pushover, but she had a few redeeming qualities… none of which surfaced during this scenario. Ahh, well. Can’t win ‘em all, M.

Sigh, sigh. Who cares. I'm tired of it, and of the sneaky, catty, girl-fight bitchdom that I inadvertently moved into when I came here from New York three years ago! I am too old for this. So are all of you. We know where our faults lie, and we know the wrong we did. We have come to terms with and admitted any wrongdoing on our part; most of us have even apologized. But I will not apologize for things I didn't say or mean-- things that were put in my mouth by others' interpretations. I am not sorry for something I did not say or do; but YOU PEOPLE should be. Where is YOUR remorse? Where are YOUR apologies?

Member A (or any of you!), if you have something to say, then just say it. Put the nails in the coffin already. That's what the rest of us are and have been trying to do, but you and your cronies keep prying it open. Even the anonymous ignoramus thinks it should end already! She says "You all started this and NEED to finish it." Of course, our stories are out. We finished it. That's why we blogged. So maybe you should go make an equally eloquent comment to Member A and management, and all their "followers." It IS time to move on. E-N-O-U-G-H.

I'm sure this blog will get trashed with comments and I am even MORE sure that the comments will be anonymous. That seems to be how the hotheads (other than us, haha) with the big-mouths work. I don't blame them; there's no substance to their words, so they don't have anything productive to contribute. I think they just want to vent and say mean things. Maybe THEY should start a blog for that! I'm trying to purge the negativity from my life-- it's all going on this Mama-Drama blog, and on my Purge Negativity blog. It's actually pretty therapeutic, anonymous ignorami! Try it!

The only difference between OUR way of sharing our sides and "their" way is that we did it in writing, and they yapped their traps. Anonymous ignorami criticize us for authoring these blogs, but "they" are no different. Well, maybe a little. They're worse. We may take heat for writing blogs, but at least what we have is factual, forthright, and available to anyone. Their "verbal blogs" only go to a select audience and they lack details, are inconsistent, and the story always seems to be changing.

Someone once told me that you have to be careful of women in power because their motives are not usually logical, just, or provoked by a genuine cause; rather, their motives are inspired by emotion and selfishness, and they play to win no matter the means. I never, never believed that. I was 22 when I heard that… fresh out of college, just starting to break into the real world. I refused to believe it! I’m sorry to say that now, ten years later, and in light of recent events, I am starting to believe it. Way to go, management! SCORE ONE (step backwards) for the women’s movement! And some of you have daughters?!?! For shame.

18: The LAST word (but it wasn't Godmomma's!)

I didn't think I would hear back from Godmomma after my last email. I hoped I would (her completely absurd emails had been entertaining lately) to see what else she could pull from thin air with which to fight, but I guess even she knew she had nothing to say.

The [local mommies group] network administrator, K, did email me though (prompted by my sister however; none of these women have the social or administrative skills to act appropriately without being prodded). Notice that the email was total fluff. It addressed nothing; I had said repeatedly that I didn't want my membership to be reinstated. They clearly had nothing to say.

Here is K's email to me, informing me of the official and final decision about nothing other than my membership status. It was sent on 3/5/08 at 10:21PM. But please know that I am the intended recipient, so you are not allowed to read it. ;)

The decision to ban you and the others will remain. I am sorry if that was not the answer you were hoping for. The Board has based their decision on experience in handling over 70 other sites and their issues, the information you have sent and the evidence they reviewed previously. This decision is final and will remain.

Here is my response... sent (to [K], Godmomma, and [network] admin) on 3/31/08 at 10:59PM.
Hello, [K].

Thank you for letting me know of the outcome of my final review, although I assumed I would not be reinstated. As I indicated in my last email, I wasn't interested in being reinstated after all that has happened. While I appreciate your explanation of the reasoning behind the "final decision" that was made by the Board, it wasn't really necessary. [Godmomma] stated it clearly in her last email to me: "Any other reason deemed inappropriate in the reasonable opinion of [the network] Administration. [The network] also reserves the right to terminate the membership of any individual without cause or reason." While the first part of this quote is a sentence fragment and doesn't make sense, the second part is very clear. It's painfully obvious to many as well that this is what has happened.

Not an ounce of "proof" of the allegations against me has ever been provided, even after multiple requests. In my experience, proof has always been an important criterion in the decision-making process. Now that I see how [the network] is governed, things are making more sense, and proof, nor reason, seem to be part of its governance.

Thank you for your time, and be well.

Kristin [last name]

17: In conclusion...

So that’s it. Those are the emails and that’s the story.

After reading all of these posts, is anyone else wondering why the five other members of “The Accused Six” didn’t interpret my words the same way Member A claimed to, and the same way management did? Why didn’t my peers, my friends, interpret my words incorrectly? It’s because I have become close with them, and because they know me. Member A (who was a recent addition to the “email loop”) does not know me, and nor does management.

Who, of the following four choices, is the least qualified to interpret words written by me… circle all that apply:
a) myself
b) my peers… the ones to whom the words were intended
c) a stranger (and late addition to the email loop) with an agenda
d) a few more strangers who happen to have the power to ban accounts

Answer that question honestly, and you’ll get the honest answer to the whole mess. Oh, and please feel free to share it.

16: The FINAL word... or so they thought.

On 2/5/08 at 12:43PM, Godmomma replied, reprimanding me for “harassing” her staff and “accusing” them of breaking rules (if the shoe fits…). By the way, I sent two emails TOTAL to the staff. That’s harassment? Two emails? Seriously? Anyway, she informed me that the board is, in fact, reviewing my case but continuing to harass would only hurt my case (sounds like a threat to me). She also reminded me that the network could terminate any membership and did not need to provide a reason (another threat?). No problem; my primary concern is to share my side of the story, not to reacquire my membership.

Anyway, she very firmly asked me not to email her staff, and told me that she’d be in touch when THEY were able to. My reply to this most recent email of hers was written immediately upon receipt of her nasty reply, and has been ready to be sent, but out of respect for her request, I am waiting to hear from her before I send it. After all, she DID say “please.”

Also, in the context of Godmomma's email, I discovered the fact that my sister had gone to bat for me and sent a message of her own to the [local mommies group] network administrator, K, who asked my sister’s permission to send it to Godmomma. My sister gave her permission. Godmomma referenced my sister’s part in my case which was NEWS TO ME as I did not know she had been fighting for me. Godmomma shouldn’t have referenced my sister’s part in all of this without permission.

Here is her final email to me. But please know that I am the intended recipient, so you are not allowed to read it. ;)

Kristie,

with all due respect, harassing my team is not an effective means of getting your point across. Nor is quoting our rules and accusing our team of breaking the rules. Something you failed to note in your incredibly long email is the following from the terms and conditions of membership:

Conditions of Membership [blah, blah, lots of stuff, but this part singled out and bolded:] Any other reason deemed inappropriate in the reasonable opinion of [the network]. [the network] also reserves the right to terminate the membership of any individual without cause or reason.

That said, after receiving your LAST email, we have been reviewing your account. We are a volunteer- ONLY organization and all have many other things that we work on besides member issues with individual sites. We are reviewing your account and are considering allowing you back with some considerations; however, continuing to harass my staff will hurt your case.

Please stop emailing my staff. We will notify you when WE are able in regards to the request your sister made on your behalf, as well as your own request.

Sincerely,

[Godmomma]

And... my final reply, sent 3/3/08 at 8:59PM (I know, I said I would wait to hear from her before I replied, but come on. It's been almost a month since she made that promise. Mother Theresa doesn't even have THAT much patience):

[Godmomma],

It's unfortunate that the emails that you have sent me over the past few weeks have always seemed to have a very hostile and impatient tone. It seems as though my fate was sealed before even the first email was sent.

Please know that although I composed this email the moment I received your last one, I have patiently waited to send it (out of respect for your request). This is a perfect example the sort of mutual respect that I feel has been lacking on the part of [local mommies group] and [the network] over the past month. However, I will not wait any longer. It has been about five weeks since this mess began, and almost a month since you assured me that you were reviewing my account. I do understand that this issue is not (and should not be) your first order of business, as you are also a mother; however, what I don't think you understand is that this issue has had a huge effect on my life, so to me, it is important. I am certain that, if the tables were turned and your reputation was at stake, you would be able to understand and would be more likely to make it a priority.

It is unfortunate that you felt that I was "harassing" your staff. The email I most recently sent was actually only the second email I have sent the board, and I did not consider that sending only two messages would qualify as "harassment." I felt that I had no other choice but to include the board of directors in the first email that I sent them, as I had heard nothing from [local mommies group] Management other than my account was under review for breaking rule #6 (which I did not break). More recently I felt that I had no other choice in terms of sharing my side of this series of events but to include the board of directors in the attached second email that I sent them, as I had no indication from you of any further action in response to the multiple emails addressed only to you, or that my first (and only other) email to the board had been received. You never acknowledged the receipt of any single one of my emails, a practice I believe to be common courtesy.

My initial purpose of pointing out the discrepancy with regard to the rules and that many members of [local] and [network] management were not following them was not to be "accusatory," as you assumed, but to simply request that all parties involved adhere to these rules. Since then the blatant inconsistent treatment of all those involved in this case seem to lead to only one conclusion: the rules were being selectively applied, and administration was above them. Your sensitivity to that topic further supports this conclusion.

I knew from the very beginning that management could simply "terminate the membership of any individual without cause or reason," but we both know this is not the case with my membership. My membership was terminated for a specific reason (which [local] management stated in their email to me), and that reason is what I was contesting and trying to clarify. If, by stating that condition in your response to me, you are implying that you are planning to permanently ban my membership for no reason now after all that has transpired, that is your prerogative as the President of [the network]. I do not think that will make you look very just or objective. Also, once again, my membership is not what I am fighting for. My reputation is what I am fighting for.

I do hope you continue to look into my account and investigate my side of the story, but that is all I want. I understand that you are a volunteer, as I have stated in my correspondence. I understand that you selflessly donate your time when you have many other things going on in your life, as I have stated, and thanked you for, in my correspondence. I empathize, actually, because I am a mother and a volunteer as well. I have never demanded replies within time limits (save in response to the "48 hours" which was an offer initiated by Management), as I understand the nature of your and the directors' positions with [the network], so if you or any other members of Management are feeling time pressure to send detailed and researched replies, please know that it is not pressure coming from me.

All I am requesting (and have been requesting from the beginning) is the opportunity to share my side of the story. I still welcome any correspondence via email, via telephone, or in person, but please do not worry about reinstating me. That was not the point of my continued correspondence. I merely wanted to be heard. While I would be pleasantly surprised at an effort to reinstate my [local mommies group] membership, I would also expect and appreciate a public apology after all that has happened. The tones of your emails lead me to believe that you would probably not consider that, however, and if you (or the members of [local] management) are unwilling to agree to this contingency, then I would respectfully decline the motion for reinstatement of my membership.

I was unaware of my sister's request on my behalf, but I have taken that up with her. I do not want her involved in any more of this, as she was unfairly involved in the beginning and I feel her reputation may now also be sullied simply by association.

This entire "account review" process has been reminiscent of dealing with a middle school clique. You continue to tell me what is and isn't "an effective means" to get my point across, or to have my membership reinstated, but to that, I say this: it would benefit you to reflect upon your own communication skills. The accusatory and judgmental language and tones of your messages and the lack of email etiquette shock me, as your organization exists on the Internet! I outgrew the middle school mentality and I respect myself far too much to be part of a group affiliated with a person (the president, no less) whom I have come to know as an unjust, vindictive, judgmental, and close-minded tyrant. You should be ashamed; the idea of [the network] is a wonderful one, and one that should be governed by people worthy of the same description. I have limited to no knowledge of the board of directors, but I have come to know you, and "wonderful" is not a word I would ever use to describe you. It's a shame, for the sake of [the network], its groups across the country, and most of all, the members.

The five other women with whom I stood accused are five of the most amazing women I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. None of them are perfect, but they are all remarkable. The four members (including myself) whose accounts you recommended to ban for were four of the most enthusiastic members of [local mommies group]. We were all invaluable assets to [local mommies group] and we were "getting things done." Had warnings been provided to us (as per the rules) and had [the network] "disciplined" us instead of banning us, perhaps the entire [local mommies] community would not have had to suffer.

Finally, please know that although I have been (and continue to be) very clearly discriminated against within the [local mommies group] community as a direct result of this unfortunate chain of events, and although I have lost respect for some of the [local mommies group] members and Management, I have never lost respect for the purpose of the community as a whole; I still hold the idea of [local mommies group] in very high regard. I sincerely hope that the recent events do not continue to negatively affect the enthusiasm of the current members and that they continue to be wonderful sources of support for local mothers.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Kristin [last name]

15: To whom is Godmomma accountable?

No word… none, for days. I finally decided to compose what I thought might be one final email and send it to not only Godmomma, but also to the entire board of the network, so I could finally be heard. I got nowhere with local management, and nowhere with Godmomma, so I went to the board. Someone has to keep Godmomma accountable, and I did not feel at all that she was being objective to any of us, from the very beginning.

I sent this email individually to fourteen members of the board, and to Godmomma. It was sent on 2/4/08 at 11:18PM:

Good evening [board member],

My name is Kristin [last name]. Up until recently I was a member of [local mommies group]. Due to a situation (which I have outlined in greater detail below), my account was banned. I would like to call your attention to some specific [local] and [network] Community and Forum Rules, and respectfully request that [local] and [network] honor these rules with regard to my situation.

According to the Community Rules, failure to follow [local] and [network] rules could result in a warning. The accumulation of three (3) warnings results in the permanent ban of an account. My account was banned without a single warning.

According to Forum Rule #1, each member deserves respect and disrespectful behavior to a member or to the management will result in a warning. If my behavior was deemed disrespectful, I was never informed. I never received a single warning.

According to Forum Rule #2, hate posts and personal attacks will not be tolerated. Talking trash about another user is not acceptable. These posts will be deleted and may result in a warning. Only ONE of my more than 1600 posts was ever deleted; this was because I unknowingly asked about a competing site ([site]). A moderator explained it to me and that was the end of it. If the personal emails that were shared with [local] and [network] management were deemed to be "hate posts," "personal attacks," and considered, "talking trash," I was never given a warning.

According to Forum Rule #4, members are to respect the privacy of each other and of our leadership team. Information learned via private message, email or on private forums cannot be shared without the permission of the member. My membership was put under review and subsequently banned due to personal emails of mine that were shared without my (a member of [local group]) permission.

According to Forum Rule #5, members are entitled to contact admin@[localmommiesgroup].com and and they will review the situation. Disagreements occur. Members should try to communicate with them first on a respectful level and settle the disagreement. Additionally, if a member has a problem with a manager or moderator, she is asked to contact another member of the leadership team. Moderators work under the supervision of the [network] administration and any problems a member might have with their performance should be called to that administrator's attention via private message or email. I have made repeated attempts to communicate with [local] and [network] management. I have sent emails and made phone calls in my attempts to resolve this situation respectfully and fairly. [local management] and [network management] has made no attempt to do the same. I have seen no communication from [local management] and [network management] aiming to resolve this situation at all.

This is my final attempt to be heard regarding an unfortunate issue with [local mommies group] and [the network]. I was recently banned as a [local mommies group] member by [Godmomma]. I am not interested in appealing that ban. I am merely interested in being heard. My reputation in my community has been subject to hearsay and slander, and I will not tolerate not being able to share my side (as per the rules of your organization). I would like to do this in a mature and diplomatic way, but I need your help. There were other women involved in this issue, but I can, and will, only speak for myself.

Several emails amongst a group of my peers who I happened to meet on the [local mommies group] boards were shared with [local] and [network] Management. As far as I can interpret [local mommies group] Rule #4, the member who shared the emails was in violation of the rules, but no action was taken against her. While I do feel that this selective application of the rules of the community is unacceptable, that is not my biggest concern.

Initially, I was informed that my account was considered "pending" (I often referred to my account as being "suspended," simply by virtue of the definition of the word). I contacted as many members of [local] Management as I could in as many ways as I could, but was given no further information. I continued to try to contact [local] Management for clarification, feeling very strongly that I was entitled to be informed of what I was being accused. I received no response. I eventually was able to get a vague allusion to a violation of Rule #6 by an administrator of [local mommies group] over the phone, and then shortly thereafter, a vague allusion to the alleged violations via email.

After scouring my brain, trying to determine what could be at the root of this accusation, I contacted [local mommies group] directly with my theories (since I was given NO guidance, I was forced to guess!). I never received a response. Shortly thereafter, I sent as many details of my case and correspondence as I could to all of you. That same night, I received notification from [Godmomma] that my account had been formally banned, and the reasons for this were alluded to within the content of her email to me. In essence, I was being banned for writing personal emails that administration used to label me as a racist, a troublemaker, and an instigator.

Words that were allegedly written by me in this email string were interpreted by [local] and [network] Management, and I was thusly banned from being a [local mommies group] member. I was never given the opportunity to be presented with the "evidence" that was being used to ban me from [local mommies group], and never asked my side of the story. I spent days theorizing and obsessing over what I could have possibly said to lead these women to believe I was a racist, instigator, and troublemaker?!

I scoured the email string that I suspected had been compromised, trying to read all of my words from any other perspective, and I picked out the ones that I thought could have been interpreted negatively. I composed yet another email to [Godmomma] quoting myself and including the intended meaning of the words, to try to clarify the situation. I have, to date, received no response to my attempt at clarification. I have spent days trying to explain myself and be heard. I have been trying to help [the network] understand, and I have been trying to help myself be cleared of these awful inaccurate labels that are defaming my character.

I understand that any and all words are subject to interpretation by any who read them, which is why I fault neither [local] nor [network] Management for flagging them. However, there are interpretations of words and intentions of words, and unfortunately, the two are not always the same when read by multiple people. But who is to say your interpretation of the words are right, and my intentions of the words are wrong? I am, after all, the one who allegedly wrote them. Don't my intentions matter at all?

I am just so shocked and disappointed that the decision to ban my account came so quickly, without any evidence being presented to me (I still have not received any, despite requesting it multiple times), and without my side ever being requested. According to [local mommies group] rules, disrespectful behavior results in a warning. An accumulation of three (3) warnings results in the banning of an account. I never received a warning. Additionally, the rules state that one should communicate with management and/or moderators should a disagreement occur, and that the disagreement be settled respectfully. I have repeatedly made attempts to communicate with [local] and [network] management to no avail. I am abiding by the rules, respectfully attempting to settle this situation, but [local management] and [network management] are not reciprocating. I told my side, as I am continuing to do, on my own; [local management] and [network management] have never attempted to communicate and settle this with me at all. No one has ever asked for my side of the story.

This is no longer about my membership on [local mommies group]. This is about my life. [Local mommies group] was not just an online community; for me, it became the community in which I live, shop, eat, play, socialize, etc. Because of this recent issue, I have to worry that people I meet outside of my home are going to have (inaccurate) preconceived notions of me because of [local]’s and [network]’s (inaccurate) interpretation of words, that I was never given an opportunity to clarify.

You may tell me not to worry, that it is against the rules for [local] Management to share details of this issue with the members. But to that, I respond that there is a documented history of [local] Management's violation of said rules with no consequences, so saying that they are not "allowed" to share details is not a comfort. As a matter of fact, several [local mommies group] members (management AND members) have deleted me from their Myspace "friends." Clearly our privacy is not being respected; the (biased) only side of the story that [local management] knows is being disseminated. In addition, even if they do not claim to share details, their personal biases will certainly shine through. Case in point: a current member of [local] Management recently divulged that while out of respect for the members, she could not share the details of the case, she would inform them that what the accused members said (to get themselves banned) was (and I quote) "shocking." I am certain that people are not thinking that "shocking" good things got me banned from [local mommies group]. "Respect" and "privacy" are not two words that appear to be correctly defined in the vocabularies of [local] Management.

I have been a very active and enthusiastic member of [local mommies group] since March 26, 2007. I have made almost two thousand posts, none of which were racist, argumentative, nor did they instigate an argument (I encourage you to please investigate that fact for yourselves... my [local mommies group] username was [username]). The same can not be said about every other member of the boards, including members of Management. We are talking about almost a year of a person's character, reputation, and life, being unfairly judged and labeled by a few misinterpreted words. My history and reputation on [local mommies group] (as illustrated by both my posts as well as words that members and management have said and still say about me) should give you a better indication of the kind of person I am than some words said in jest and/or taken out of context via email.

I have planned and attended play dates, Nights Out, groupwide activities, and more. I have spent a lot of money and time on items and initiatives that promote the group. I have been praised by many members (particularly Management) for my promotional efforts, and for my enthusiasm and obvious love of the group. I was even asked to be the Promotions Manager! I have traveled distances, late at night (when I was an exclusively breastfeeding mother who had a very young baby that got up several times at night, and then extremely early in the morning to start the day) to support one member of [local] Management (one of my accusers) in particular when she was going through a hard time personally. I even received a card from said member of Management, thanking me for my friendship and support.

I would happily provide you with a specific list of the "good" I have done with/for [local mommies group] over the past year, but will it be a waste of my time? Will you listen, and take any of it into consideration? Up until now, none of my words have seemed to matter. I am so disappointed that a group that is supposed to be welcoming, friendly, and supportive has proven to be so unfairly and obviously unsupportive.

Please note while I do not agree with her actions, that I do not begrudge the actions of the member who surrendered the email string. I have decided to hope that her motives were well-intended. I also do not begrudge [local] or [network] Management for misinterpreting my words. I understand how the words could have looked from other perspectives, and how they felt the need to pursue the issue. But I do begrudge not being able to come to my own defense at all, not ever being asked for my side of the story, and not being fairly "tried," so-to-speak. I do begrudge this when it is so clearly against the rules of [local mommies group] and [network] to do so.

In one of the emails that I sent to [network management], I stated that any person in a position of power over an organization is subject to scrutiny. I believe that. I believe an effective leader not only can and should be questioned, but can and should be able to provide answers. I have not been provided answers, which is why I am resorting to sending an email with as much detail of my story to all of you. I understand that [Godmomma] and all of you are mothers with jobs, plans, friends, families, lives that take your time (as well they should). I know that it can not be easy volunteering your time for [the network] in addition to all other things you have going on in your lives, and I admire you all for doing so. But I am asking you to try to see my perspective. I am a mom, like all of you. I have jobs, plans, friends, families, and a life, like all of you. I have grown to love the mommies community. And now I am hoping that you can help me finally have a fair and responsible dialogue about this case.

I will ask you this: if you choose to pursue this issue, as I hope you will, PLEASE contact me directly (via email or telephone) in addition to any of my [local] or [network] accusers, to discuss matters. In light of recent events, I do not trust anyone alone to be unbiased and to accurately portray the details of both sides of the issue.

To help you better understand my side of the story, please see (below) all of the emails I have sent to [local] and/or [network] Management in the last week. I am sure [Godmomma] or [local] Management can provide you with the "evidence" of the case against me, as they are apparently not considered "private."

All of this below is what brought me to sending this entire email. I hope this helps to share SOME of my story. Thank you for taking the time to read all of this. I truly appreciate it. I look forward to hearing from you and beginning a discussion about this situation, as per the rules of [local mommies group] and [network]. I feel that continued inaction on the part of [local mommies group] and [network] is in violation of said rules and hypocritical, particularly when I (though no longer a member of [local mommies group] and [network]) have adhered to these rules.

Thank you, again, for your time.

Respectfully,

Kristie [last name]
[telephone number]

14: Am I the only one working here?

I spent a LOT of time wracking my brain trying to crack the infuriating vague references that Godmomma kept alluding to. This was eating me alive, as it was apparently horrible enough to get me kicked from this local support group. I had no idea what I said that was so horrible, and STILL NO ONE WOULD TELL ME, FAX ME, EMAIL ME, CALL ME, nothing. I felt like I was running underwater, backwards, drunk. It was bizarre.

Soooo… I wrote to Godmomma again, trying my best to help clarify the obvious confusion. This email was sent on 1/31/08 at 9:59PM:

Hi [Godmomma]. I know I just emailed you last night and am still eagerly awaiting a response, but I have been doing my "homework" and feel the need to clarify some of the misinterpreted information you received. Please understand that to me, this horse is not dead yet. This is someone's life... a human being's life... hanging in the balance.

I still do not know specifically what I have been accused of saying, as no copies of the emails have been provided me (despite my asking twice). I have scoured the many emails that were sent back and forth involving the woman who I suspect of providing you with them, and can now try to explain my comments and what they were intended to mean. Again, I would appreciate copies of the correspondence that you have used to ultimately ban me from [local mommies group] so that I can have a chance to elaborate, but until then, please accept and respect my attempts at clarification:

"Now I am going to go make a post that will most certainly make all the true racists surface..."
This part of an email preceded a post I made requesting [local mommies group] fliers translated into Spanish. While I can see why you (and all the others) may think I am trying to start a racial war, it was meant as a joke in the email and was a genuine request in the thread. You would know this if anyone ever asked me to clarify! I genuinely wanted copies of the fliers in Spanish, as I felt it would help a)recruit more minorities, which I felt would help [local mommies group] diversify, and b)put some Spanish-speaking mothers' minds at ease, as seeing a flier for a Mommies' Support Group translated into their native language would hopefully appear more welcoming to them. I have a very good friend who is having her first baby any day now, and whom I have recruited to be a [local mommies group] (I do not know if she signed up yet, or not). She is married to a Peruvian man, she is pursuing her Master's Degree in ESL (I don't know the actual name of the program or title, I am sorry), and she teaches ESL classes in the evening at her church. She recently told me that although she is not of Hispanic descent, she is much more likely to pay attention to and patronize an establishment or organization that goes out of its way to help include non-English-speakers. That has stayed with me, and being part of the Promotions Committee (and initially being offered the position of Promotions Manager), I thought this would be a good idea for [local mommies group]. I distinctly remember being a little put-off for having no responses to the suggestion, but I guess I now know why. My peers knew it was meant as a joke and am certain would verify that, but I can see how [A], who does not know me very well and had previously stated her sensitivity to race-related issues, and you, not knowing me from Adam, could misinterpret that. Still, I was never given an opportunity to explain.
Update (this underlined part was not part of the email to Godmomma, but I came up with an analogy to try to illustrate my “joke”): this quote was like "Uh oh, I am going to be home late, I'm going to miss my curfew... watch what's going to happen to me" rather than "Oh, let me intentionally stay out late and miss my curfew, then watch what happens." The post about the Spanish fliers was going to be made anyway, since I thought (still think) it was a good idea... it was not made to stir things up, prompted by this email string. Also, I would be happy to put any of you in contact with the friend that I referenced in the explanation to verify that the conversation actually took place. Yes, that’s how seriously I am taking this whole thing.

"ROFL!!!!!!!!!!! I am going to sign up for [local mommies group] with a totally fake name and post that. Actually, we should come up with a fake [local mommies group] login that we ALL can use to make inappropriate (but true and totally justified) posts."
This is the post I specifically explained in the other email that I sent to you. It was meant as a joke (please note the "ROFL") in response to a humorous clip that was shared with us. It was a stupid joke, but a joke nonetheless. I can see how it can be interpreted as serious, but all I have control over is my intention-- not everyone's interpretation. If this is what prompted [local] Management to cite me on breaking Rule #6, that is understandable. And if that is why [K] called my sister to verify that she is, in fact, her own person with her own [local mommies group] account (and not me trying to pretend to be someone else), that is also understandable. But again, I was never given the opportunity to explain myself. In addition, were there any suspicious new accounts that were created after that comment was made? If so, investigating them is understandable. But if not, surely you can see that my peers did know it was a joke and never once considered actually doing it.

"I'm pretty strong in my convictions as well. Now let the games begin..."
This email was entirely for the benefit of the recipients, and was directly addressing them. I suspected that I might get an earful from the members of the email "loop" for owning up to the fact that my comments about another member were not necessary, and that not only did I like her (despite my previous email regarding how I felt about her posts, which I do believe to be true-- again, only my opinion and never held against her) but "we should all be [like her]." So the "let the games begin" was a direct response to the fact that I figured my peers would start on me. That would be fine; I can handle it. But that was meant as a challenge for them, and in no way had anything to do with any "games" on the boards.
Update (this underlined part was not part of the email to Godmomma, because it came up later): FYI, I am glad I clarified this section, because even the members of “The Loop” misinterpreted it!

I don't know what other specific quotes you could have possibly misinterpreted, but please extend me the courtesy of letting me know so that I can explain myself. Please.

Thank you for reading yet another one of my long emails. I appreciate that you have read and considered my side of the story, since I have tried to find a way to clarify repeatedly, to no avail. I know this has taken up a lot of your time, and for that I am sorry. It has taken up a lot of mine as well, and I would not be spending this much time on something I did not feel so strongly about. I am trying to let the real me come through.

Again, my intentions are not to re-gain access to the boards. As stated earlier, that is your decision, and I respect it. My intention is to help bring perspective to an unfortunate chain of events that has all but destroyed my reputation, even if only to a few people. I do not want to be inaccurately portrayed as someone I am not, and as someone I would NEVER tolerate.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Respectfully,
Kristie [last name]

13: Her decision!

On 1/30/08 at 9:19PM, I received a response from Godmomma. Within this email, she continued to allude to the violations (ummmm…. HI! I still haven’t been told specifically what I did) and accused me of plotting to instigate trouble on the boards. She then informed me that she recommended my local mommies group account be banned. Here is the email. But please know that I am the intended recipient, so you are not allowed to read it. ;)

Kristie,

I am very glad that you have made friends through [local mommies group]. That is the mission of ALL of our sites and we work very hard to keep focus on the mission of supporting moms.

The emails I received were forwarded by someone who had received the emails herself. It was within her right to share them with me, as they were sent directly to her and did not have any footer containing a confidentiality statement.

The emails that I read included on more than one occasion plans to do something to cause problems on [local mommies group]. This includes encouraging other members of your group to open fake accounts and telling them to post to incite racist comments on the site. These are two examples of several.

To me, that doesn't seem like someone who is on [local mommies group] for support and friendship. It seems, in fact, that you are occupying the admins with problems so that they are unable to focus on their mission to help moms find support and friendship in the [local] area.

After discussing this with the board of directors and K, the [administrator of the network] for [local mommies group], I have suggested that M ban your account on [local mommies group].

Regards,
[Godmomma]

Here is my response, sent 1/30/08 at 10:34PM:

Hi [Godmomma],

Thank you for your response.

I am saddened by your decision to ban my [local mommies group] account, but that is your decision, and you are the president of [the network]. I know there is no one above you to whom I can file an appeal, though if there were any avenues to follow, I certainly would.

I know who shared the emails with you, and that is neither here nor there. I don't feel as though she was altruistic in her motives, but that is also neither here nor there. I am not a vindictive person but I am one who believes in equal and fair treatment; I would expect that she also be held to the same standards to which I have been held. I am trying incredibly hard to understand everything with the limited information I have, and to keep my anger from guiding me which is what I think Management and my accusers have fallen victim to.

Responding to this email may be a waste of time, as you have already made your decision. But I feel that I deserve to defend and/or explain myself, and I have never, EVER been given that opportunity. Vague and cryptic emails back and forth from "[local] Management," you, and myself do not qualify as a discussion. In the interest of full disclosure, and as a human being, I deserve the right to meet with you, [M, B, R, K], and/or anyone else you feel needs to be present. I have no problem standing in front of the firing squad, if it gives me a chance to be heard... no matter the outcome.

I know this has become personal as even more [local mommies group] members (including more Management) have deleted me from their Myspace accounts. That is unfortunate, and it also saddens me. Whether I "deserve" it (and all of this) or not is an opinion that each one of these women are entitled to, but the fact of the matter is, they are basing their opinions on only part of the story. Opinions are going to continue to be formed without the full story and all the details-- every single member of this issue has only received part of the story. I don't even have the full story. No one has even bothered to try have a conversation (which requires multiple participants) with me and that is unfair.

I know exactly what you are talking about regarding the "encouraging other members to open fake accounts" and this is one perfect example of how making an assumption based solely on an email (and not having an open dialogue about it) is completely unfair. I remember that comment SPECIFICALLY. If I could take it back, I absolutely would, considering it fell into hands that don't know me and assumptions were made that were nothing less than COMPLETELY UNTRUE. That comment was a joke and written in response to an mpg file sent from a friend that was also a joke. It was never, EVER meant seriously, and the email "Loop" you referred to in your original email knew as much, because they know me. I am more than just words on a page to them, and I thought I was more than that to [local mommies group] members and Management, too. Unfortunately, the woman who provided the emails to Management and to you thought differently, as do you, apparently, and while you are right to question me, how could you be so quick to judge without allowing me to defend myself? I tell my husband that I am going to kick his butt if he wakes me up when he goes to work, but that does not mean my foot will ever come into contact with his rear. Sometimes things are said as jokes, and that is it. This is one such example. There is more to me than just words on a page, that can be taken in many contexts, depending on who is reading them.

I don't remember the specific comments you are accusing me of posting to encourage my peers to "post to incite racist comments on the site," but again, I KNOW if there were any comments made, they were not serious... and my peers knew as much. I am sickened at the thought of being called or thought of as a racist, to the point where it makes me feel physically ill. If any comments were made, they were made in jest. Once again, I would take it back if I could.

I would like a copy of the emails you have, not because I question that the words themselves are there, but to be able to use them to explain myself and to prove you wrong so that my reputation can stop being tarnished. I am more than just words on a page. Please fax them to me at [fax number].

I am mostly incredibly upset that you and [local] Management seem to feel that this recent "deviant behavior" supercedes the rest of the time I have been an active and enthusiastic member. I have grown to love [local mommies group] as family, and have adopted the community as family in absence of real family. [Local mommies group] has filled a very large and empty void and now the void is back. This is my fault, I understand, but is indescribably painful nonetheless. I won't lie and say I have liked everyone, everything, every word, every post, every playdate, every MNO... but I have always genuinely loved this group, this community, and these women as a whole. Always.

I am not trying to be argumentative and difficult, but I do want to talk about this. It's fine if your decision is final; I will not try to change your mind. But I do deserve to be heard. Please. I would rather speak with you (and [M]) by phone or in person-- please call me anytime. [phone number].

Respectfully,

Kristie [last name]

Realizing that I forgot to address everything in her vague and accusatory letter, I send another email; an “addendum” to the most recent one. This was sent on 1/30/08 at 10:58PM:

Also, I forgot to address the following: "To me, that doesn't seem like someone who is on [local mommies group] for support and friendship. It seems, in fact, that you are occupying the admins with problems so that they are unable to focus on their mission to help moms find support and friendship in the [local] area."

I have never been a problem (as far as I know) to any of the administrators of [local mommies group], and regret occupying them now (I do have great remorse). As a matter of fact, over the course of the last year, I have either approached them stating interest in doing more to help out ([R]), or they have approached me ([B] and [M]). I can't speak for them, but my offer was genuine.

While my words, even though they were in jest, do not appear to be words of some one who is on [local mommies group] for support and friendship, I assure you that I was looking and I found support and friendship.

12: Nice to meet you, Godmomma.

While I was composing that last long email, the president of the whole network (self-proclaimed "Godmomma") was composing and sending one of her own. I received it on 1/29/08 at 10:04PM, and all it did was allude to the rule violations, and accuse me of being a member of the local mommies group to cause trouble. Unreal. Here is the email. But please know that I am the intended recipient, so you are not allowed to read it. ;)

Hello,

I am writing to discuss your account on [local mommies group].

It has come to my attention that you regularly participate in an email loop with the purpose of complaining about [local mommies group] and its managers and members.

After reading some of the emails that have circulated among you, I really must wonder why you are so adamant to get your accounts back on [local mommies group]? It is very clear through your emails that you disagree with the management of the site and don't seem to really care for many of the members.

After discovering your group, we did move your accounts to pending status until we were able to review all of the emails we had. During that time, you continued to cause problems, posting bulletins on MySpace and one of you went so far as to post [B]’s phone number. It really saddens me that someone who dedicates so much time to managing one of our communities is having her privacy invaded in such a way. It is disrespectful, childish and certainly not weighing well on your case.

After reviewing countless emails, I do not understand why you would like your access to [local mommies group] returned. It seems to me that you are not there looking for support and friendship, but rather to cause problems and gossip about members.

If I am somehow mistaken and you really do have the best interest of the site in mind, please feel free to email me and help me understand your emails that have been shared with me. Otherwise, I am going to suggest that [M] formally ban your accounts.

[Godmomma]

Here is my response, sent 1/30/08 at 12:53AM (that’s right… I spent almost three hours that night into the wee hours of the morning composing a response):

Hi [Godmomma],

Thank you for contacting me regarding the "pending" status of my [local mommies group] membership. I have been anxiously awaiting a response.

First and foremost, please know that my feelings about [local mommies group] were never negative, until this issue began. In the past few days, I have all but completely lost interest in a group that for almost a year, I loved, depended on, and felt truly part of. Correction: I am still extremely fond of the group and its members, but not of the way the recent issues have been handled. I am trying very hard not to let the recent events skew my feelings for what I have always seen as an invaluable resource for myself and other local mothers.

I don't know specifically what emails to which you are referring, but I do not feel that it matters. People are entitled to their opinions, and unfortunately, any person in a position of leadership is subject to scrutiny (right or wrong) by members of his or her organization. I have not always agreed with every post or action of all of [local] management or members, nor they of mine, no doubt. That does not mean that I do not like the management, members, or the community. That is an unfair generalization. In addition, just because there may be characteristics (posts, tone, actions) about someone that I do not like, that does not mean I do not like the person overall. I have the utmost respect for all of these women, personal feelings (good or bad) aside.

If I spoke negatively about any of the members of management or the members of the site prior to this issue, I was well within my rights to express my opinions. To be totally honest with you, I can not think of what specific comments I am being accused of making, which to me, indicates the fact that it is not behavior I regularly practice... certainly not without feeling personally and/or directly warranted in making. But that is neither here nor there.

It's unfair to assume that the email group to which I belong has "the purpose of complaining about [local mommies group] and its managers and members." It is not unusual for people who share a common ground to frequently discuss that common ground; I have often found myself talking about school with my teacher colleagues... my husband's conversations with his friends undoubtedly end up being about work. Obviously women who met on [local mommies group] are going to frequently visit the following topics: [local mommies group] and their children. These are the common grounds and I would imagine most of the members discuss these two things with one another often. I'm certain that I could provide proof from other mommies (those who are not being accused) that this is true.

In addition, there seems to be evidence of "guilt by association" going on here, where some members of the "email loop" have been more vocal, and less polite, than others. I don't know what is going on in the inboxes of my peers, but I DO hope that the correspondence for each of us reflects our respective "offenses." For example, it is unfair to say things such as "you continued to cause problems, posting bulletins on MySpace" when I for one, did not.

I do not know to whom you are referring when you are talking about Myspace bulletins, or "posting" [B]’s phone number. I shared [B]’s phone number [via private email] with my peers, since she was the only one I was able to contact to acquire direction as to the accusations that involved me, and I figured the others might have similar success. Had I known this was a potential "invasion of privacy," I assure you, I would not have shared it. However, considering the fact that she (and other members of Management) has posted her phone number for all to see in the forums, which is a direct violation of Rule #4, I did not think it was inappropriate.

"It is very clear through your emails that you disagree with the management of the [local mommies] site and don't seem to really care for many of the members" and "It seems to me that you are not [on the local mommies group boards] looking for support and friendship, but rather to cause problems and gossip about members." These statements are absolutely and unequivocally untrue. I have been a member (an active, enthusiastic member) for almost a full year. Are you implying that I have been argumentative, disagreeable, trying to cause problems, and interested only in gossip about members for the duration of my membership? I vehemently deny these implications and quite frankly feel that I deserve an apology for this generalization. As stated in the email I sent to you and the rest of the network administrators earlier, "I relocated to North Carolina from New York in 2005 and have no family in North Carolina. When I had my first child in 2006, I felt very scared and alone. Becoming part of the [local mommies] community is part of what got me through the rough times. I have come to love and depend on "The Mommies." I feel that I owe a lot to this community and its members, and the issues and feelings as of late (perhaps on both sides) are not indicators of my tenure as a member and of my relationship with the community, management, or the members individually.

I am also left to wonder how it is "legal" (in terms of [network] rules) to share emails without being in direct violation of the rules? They have been shared, they are out "in the open," it is what it is... but I expect there to be repercussions for the member(s) who shared them as well. I don't have any intention of hiding behind anything I may have said that has become public knowledge for all to read, but I would still expect fair treatment and consequence for all those in violation of the rules.

"...help me understand [the] emails that have been shared with me." I would be happy to do this (I can only speak for myself), if you feel comfortable enough sending me copies. You are welcome to fax them to [fax number]. I would be happy to discuss them with you via email or over the phone ([phone number), or better yet... in person, anytime.

FINALLY, I would like to know why I was accused of violating Rule #6 ([B] informed me on the phone, and [local] Management informed me in an email) but there is no mention of this violation, or any details surrounding it, in this or any other email! I have waited longer than the requisite 48 hours, and while I understand that Management has other things to do than manage [local mommies], I think I have waited long enough. I deserve an explanation regarding this accusation ([B] informed me that there is "good proof"). I have done more than my part by emailing (multiple times) in detail my theories on why I might EVER be accused of this ridiculous act (please find a copy of my correspondence, sent to you earlier this evening in an email), but have not been given the courtesy of even a receipt confirmation.

Please respond at your earliest convenience. I truly look forward to hearing from you. [M], I would welcome an opportunity to speak with you as well.

Respectfully,
Kristie [last name]

11: An etrip to the White House

Still, I heard nothing. NOTHING! On the 48th hour, I composed and sent an email to the “big-wigs” (Godmomma, and the board) of the entire network since I had not heard back from the local management and still had no idea what was going on. This email was sent on 1/29/08 at 10:29PM:

Good evening.

My name is Kristie [last name] and I have been a member of [local mommies group] since March of 2007. I relocated to North Carolina from New York in 2005 and have no family in North Carolina. When I had my first child in 2006, I felt very scared and alone. Becoming part of the [mommies] community is part of what got me through the rough times. I have come to love and depend on "The Mommies."

I have been a very active and enthusiastic member of [local mommies group] from the start. In fact, I have received accolades by several of the members, including members of administration, for my enthusiasm and devotion to the site. However, there has been some very disturbing activity lately and I felt that it was important that you were made aware of it.

Please note that I am an adult and am not in the business of badmouthing people. I would rather deal with facts than assumptions, but I have been given little to no FACTS about the issue that prompted this email, and have been forced to make assumptions to try to make sense of it all. I have tried to deal with this issue internally (with the administrators of the [local mommies] site) since Sunday 1/27/08, but to no avail; it has been nearly three days and I have yet to get answers. I feel that I have been left no choice but to contact the administrators of [the whole network].

I was unable to access the site at all on Sunday 1/27/08. I assumed there was some sort of site issue that would resolve itself in a matter of time. As the day progressed, I tried again and again, and was never able to log in. When I contacted several of the members of the site to see if they were also experiencing problems, I learned that they were unable to log in as well. Again, I assumed there was a site problem. I caught wind that some members were able to log in, but when I still could not, I assumed it was simply a problem with my personal network. On Sunday night (actually Monday 1/28/08 at 12:46AM), I received an email from [local] management, stating that my account status is "pending" due to rule violation. I interpret this "pending" status to be synonymous with a status of "suspended," simply due to the fact that one of the definitions of "suspended" is "to hold in an undetermined or undecided state awaiting further information" which is exactly what is happening. No other information was shared with me. Here is my reply to said email, sent at 10:14AM on 1/28/08 :

Dear M, B, R, K [copied/pasted my first email to local management; see post #7]

I tried immediately to contact the [local] administration. I made several phone calls, sent emails, and sent text messages, all to no avail. I finally reached [B] ([assistant site administrator of local mommies group) via telephone, and after quite a bit of prodding, discovered that I was in violation of Rule #6:

[copied/pasted Rule #6]

Genuinely baffled by what I was being accused of, I asked [B] for details and was told over and over that the issue was being investigated and she was not ready to talk about it at this time. I was being denied any information about a violation of which I was clearly being accused! Not being able to say anything else (as I had NO idea how to deal with allegations about which I was denied any information), I asked [B] if there was proof that I had been, in fact, either impersonating another user or accessing another user's account. She assured me that there was.

About a half hour after my conversation, I received an email from [local] management (on Monday 1/28/08 at 1:58PM) explaining that I was in violation of the rules. It was explained (in the briefest, most vague way) that another [local mommies group] account shared both an IP address and a "physical address" with my account ([my username]). Below, please find my response, sent at 2:10PM on 1/28/08:

Thank you for elaborating [copied/pasted my second email to local management; see post #8]

I waited patiently throughout the day for a response. I understand that running [local mommies group] is a big job, and it is unrealistic to expect a response instantaneously (even though [M], the SA of whom I have always been a fan, usually responds immediately), but I was loyally checking my email throughout the day anyway. I was also going over scenarios in my head that may have been misunderstood as rule violations. I offered as much information as I could think of to the Management Team, in order to expedite this process so that a resolution could be reached. Trying to be as cooperative as possible given my lack of knowledge of the allegations against me, I sent another email to the Management Team after not hearing from them (sent on 1/28/08 at 3:00PM):

Here is additional information [copied/pasted my third email to local management; see post #9]

Again, I waited. I continued to check my [local mommies group] membership, and it was still denied. I continued to check my email, and there was nothing. I continued to email various members of Management in the hopes that SOMEONE would shed some light on the situation. I have NEVER heard of an individual being accused of a violation of any sort and not being given any details of the accusation! I have NO idea what is going on regarding MY account and MY reputation for nearly three days. This is, in my opinion, a terrible way to lead a group.

Since I had not heard a word in hours, I sent another email to verify receipt of my other emails. Please let it be known that receipt was not verified for any of the correspondence I have put my time and effort into composing. Here is the last email I sent to Management (sent 1/28/08 at 6:16PM):

Please verify the receipt [copied/pasted my final email to local management; see blog post #10]

As stated earlier, I would much rather deal with facts than assumptions, but I have been left no choice but to assume. I also don't believe in making waves for spite or to be vindictive, and any "waves" this email may make are purely for my own information's sake. I need to know what is going on, and I have exhausted every avenue in [local mommies group].

I know several other [local mommies group] members have also been suspended. This was discovered when I was contacting other members to see if I was the only one having trouble logging in, making the assumption that the site was down. It seems as though these other members are all coincidentally very friendly with one another. No private information about the "pending" status has been shared, as we are aware that that is against the rules (plus, we have NO information to share even if we wanted to). We all just know we can't log in. Rather, speculations have been shared because we are all passionate about our membership and our roles within the group, and since no administrators are giving us any information, we are trying to figure things out amongst ourselves. I understand that [local management] has 48 hours to contact us, and that these women have lives above and beyond [local mommies group], but not being given ANY information (not even a status check) in days seems unfair.

It seems to me that this is nothing more than a witch hunt, and that one (or more?) member of [local] Management has become personally involved. One member of Management has even deleted me from her "friends" list on Myspace, and if that is not proof that this has become personal, then I don't know what is.

All this nonsense has done nothing more than harvest bad blood and decreased confidence in the [local mommies] community, for many members. This is not to say that every member of [local mommies group] has always gotten along (past, present, or future); we are all entitled to our opinions and it is unrealistic to expect everyone to get along. Problems that I or anyone I know have with [local mommies group] members have predominantly been, to my knowledge, discussed and/or addressed off the boards. But the actions (or lack thereof) with each passing day have made the bad blood worse. This was a totally avoidable situation if appropriate managerial steps had been taken to address the issues. I hope that you can help me resolve the issues that I have stated, since I have (after many attempts) been unsuccessful in acquiring the help of the [local] Management Team.

Most of all, I am most saddened for my son, who because of these allegations (whether they are true or not) will suffer the most.

Please feel free to call me ([phone number]) or email me at any time. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank you for all that you do; at the very least, I feel that I have made some lifelong friends on the [local mommies group] board and have received many pieces of advice that have helped me through some rough times throughout motherhood. I know none of this would have been possible without the support and guidance of [the network]. For that, I will always be grateful, no matter the outcome of the above stated issues.

Fondly and with respect,
Kristie [last name]

10: Ummm...HI! Still waiting!

I waited patiently for an answer… ANY answer… or at least a little more information. I sent personal emails to local management too. According to the local management, they needed 48 hours to investigate. Patiently, but anxiously, I waited.

On 1/28/08 at 6:16PM, I sent another email to local management just to verify that my previous two attempts at help and an explanation had indeed been received:

Please verify the receipt of the two emails below (sent earlier today). I am anxiously awaiting a response. On the telephone, [B] said that I would receive a response today (Monday 1/28/08). Any time of the day is fine; I will wait.

Since I was not provided details about my alleged malfeasance, I am left to make assumptions. You will find my assumptions and explanations for said assumptions in the emails below. If neither of those scenarios match what I am being accused of, I would appreciate the courtesy of additional details, and I would appreciate them sooner than later.

Truthfully, I feel that it was my right to be informed of the situation in detail from the get-go; since this issue directly involved me, I feel that I am well within my rights to be involved and be given details. It took a lot of prodding to get the little information I actually was given. The lapse of time between being mysteriously banned from the site, to now with only bits and pieces of information, to a resolution that may not occur for many more hours, is doing nothing more than causing bad blood and hard feelings.

I would rather a phone call than an email. I think enough has been assumed online, so a phone call should avoid any more confusion. Most of all, I am disappointed in the management team for not contacting me directly and personally. I thought there was far more mutual respect than that.

Thank you.
Kristie

9: Still SOSing!

A few hours later, after discussing the scenario with my sister, we came up with another possible explanation. I sent another email to the local management, offering up even more information. This email was sent on 1/28/08 at 3:00PM:

Here is additional information, and I am HOPING that this is the answer. When I could not log on at all yesterday, I asked my sister to try (she is also a member, and the one who initially told me about [this local mommies group]... though she is not so active—[her username]). She had no problem logging on and posting, which is why I assumed it was my computer or the network here (also since I had not heard from any of you)... in addition, some other [group member]s were having difficulty.

It wasn't until today that I found out that it was NOT a network issue, but that my account had been banned. After many attempts to contact administration, I finally reached an administrator on the phone and shortly thereafter, received this email explaining the allegations against me, and I sent my response.

Since then, my sister called me and informed me that she can no longer log in to [the local mommies group], but she has not received an email stating that she has been banned. She has definitely accessed the site from my computer, and I from hers. They have often stayed with us and she may have used my address in before they acquired one of their own (she does not remember if she did). Since they live in NY and NC, she often uses my mailing address. You are more than welcome to contact her at [her phone number] if you would like to verify this. She will be home until 4:00pm and then again after 6:30pm.

If [my sister’s username] and/or [my neighbor’s username] (explanation in my previous email) are not the accounts that I am being accused of owning, I have no other explanation and would appreciate more information from you. Please advise as soon as possible.

Thank you,

Kristie

8: More specific... and more confused.

On 1/28/08 at 1:58PM, I received a reply from the local management, elaborating vaguely on the allegations. I was informed that I had been suspected of violating Rules #4 and 6, and that proof had been acquired. Here is the email. But please know that I am the intended recipient, so you are not allowed to read it. ;)

Kristie

Please pardon the delay in our reply. Our entire network was down yesterday so all [network] sites across the nation were inaccessible during this period, we apologize for the delay. Proper procedure has been followed by setting your account to pending so that all parties, including but not limited to officials of [the network], involved can communicate and make a decision.

Due to concerns of privacy and safety, we have been reviewing member accounts and yours was flagged due to a shared physical address as well as a shared IP address of another user account. As stated in our our site rules, members are prohibited from creating a bogus account or impersonating others.

[rule #6 was regurgitated]

[rule #4 was regurgitated]

We are looking forward to hearing from you regarding an explanation for creating multiple [local mommies group] accounts and for using these to post on the forums.

Thank you,
[local mommies group] Management Team

Here is my reply to that email, sent on 1/28/08 at 2:10PM:

Thank you for elaborating. I have been waiting for an explanation.

I can't answer your question until you tell me who you think I am impersonating???? Many of the mommies could have accessed [the site] from my computer, and I from theirs, over the course of the time I have been a member, which explains the shared IP addresses. But I assure you, I HAVE NEVER CREATED ANOTHER ACCOUNT ON [THE SITE]! [My username] is the only account I have with [the local mommies group]. The only one I have.

Please elaborate. Surely there must be more information that has lead you to believe and accuse me of breaking the rules. You mentioned a shared physical address-- do you mean another account has my mailing address too?? If so, I think I deserve to know what other account is using my address!!!!

PLEASE ADVISE, as soon as possible. I am both extremely upset and now extremely uncomfortable knowing that my mailing address could be compromised. My next-door neighbor ([her username]) is a member-- please check to see if it is the address on her account that is the same as mine, or vice versa. Perhaps there was a typo? She has DEFINITELY accessed [the site] from my computer.

Please contact me as soon as possible. I understand the protocol and appreciate your attempts at being thorough, but this is more than a rule that has allegedly been broken; this is also the potential end to a relationship with a community of which I have been an active and enthusiastic member for almost a year.

Thank you.

7: The FIRST word

On 1/28/06 at 12:46AM, I received an email from the local management stating that my account had been suspended pending further review. This email came after a day of emailing, calling, and texting our management to find out why I could not access the site. Here is the email. But please know that I am the intended recipient, so you are not allowed to read it. ;)

Your account has been set to pending for further review due to violation of the site rules of [local mommies group]. We are currently working with [the network] to determine the best course of action from here. If you feel that your account has been flagged in error, please resond immediately to manage[localmommiesgroup]@gmail.com. You will be notified within 48 hours regarding the status of your account.

[local mommies group] Management Team

Here is my reply to that email, sent on 1/28/08 at 10:14AM:

Good morning, [M, R, B, K] (I don't know who owns this email account),

I received the attached email this morning stating that my [local mommies group] account had been suspended due to the violation of site rules, however which rules I allegedly violated were not stated. I can't defend or explain myself without more details, and am emailing to request the details as soon as possible so that I can properly defend and/or explain myself, if necessary.

I am assuming that my account has been suspended since yesterday, as I was unable to get on the site all day. I don't understand why it took so long to let me know that my account was suspended? I tried to contact as many administrators as I could yesterday, and am patiently awaiting a response.

I am disappointed in how this process has taken shape; I feel as though I should have been contacted personally (and right away) with details about the alleged violation(s). I am still in the dark and can't properly retaliate without more information. Please contact me via email or telephone ([phone number]) as soon as conveniently possible.

Thank you and have a good day.

Kristie [last name]

6: A bulleted summary... with links

Well, the mama-drama dragged on for a long time (for me, anyway)... and now it's come this-- a blog. No members of [local mommies group] management have ever responded to my many attempts at communication, and the president of [the entire network] has stopped correspondence. My primary concern is to get my side out (since I see [and hear] that management has had no problem getting THEIR side out). The other members of "The Accused Six" (think, Lost fans, think) have also found ways to tell their side.

This summary (though long) skims the whole ordeal. The entire blog contains posts that give the specific details (and I have put links in the summary in case you are interested in reading some/all of the specific details).

I know this will get back to management (and others), which is expected. I think it's important for everyone to hear both sides of the story. And although it seems like management is claiming to respect the privacy of The Accused Six, their (and I quote) "shocking" personal biases are shining through. I wanted to avoid going into a narrative HERE of the events that started World War III (I wanted to keep my "shocking" personal biases from shining through)... but so much for that! But at least for now, in this post, I am simply going to state the facts... with which NO ONE can argue.

I've taken a lot of heat for hanging on to this drama, even from the other members involved. But I don't answer to them or anyone. Plenty of not-so-nice things have been said to and about me in regards to this, but others' opinions and judgments are not my motivation for this blog. This is being done for ME. I need it to move on. I don't expect or care if others understand that, though it would be nice. But this is for me. My side deserves to be told.

The bottom line: due to the sharing of private email correspondence (OFF the boards), I (and three other amazing mommies) was banned from [local mommies group]. This correspondence included statements taken out of context and therefore seemed insensitive. Management refused to correspond with me, choosing instead to violate their own rules and protocol. They terminated my membership to [local mommies group], divulged false information about my correspondence to other members of [local mommies group], and negatively affected my reputation in my community.

Here is the abridged version of the scenario. Yes, believe it or not, this is the abridged version. If you want more details, please feel free to read the rest of my blog, or click on the links to get the details:

*six members of [the local mommies group] were suspended from the boards for several days with no explanation... we'll call them "The Accused Six"

*although many of The Accused Six attempted to contact [local mommies group] management for clarification via telephone, text, and email, [local mommies group] management did not respond (to illustrate how this felt: it was if we were being arrested but not being told why)

*eventually [local mommies group] management suspended our accounts. We were all notified via a very vague email, to which I immediately sent a reply.

*[local mommies group] management replied with another vague email, to which I immediately sent a reply. I also later volunteered some more information in an additional email, thinking I could help clarify the obvious confusion. Days later I finally sent a third email to [local] management since I still had not heard anything.

*almost 48 hours came and went, and still... no word. I finally decided to take it upon myself to contact the [network] administrators, hoping they could help shed some light.

*in the meantime, some of us received a form-email from the [the network] president (let's call her "Godmomma," since that is what she calls herself... is this pathetic? Or a power trip? Or both? Who knows!) who requested that we elaborate on the situation, though we were never told what we did (to illustrate how this felt: it was if we were arrested and asked to defend ourselves in front of the judge without being told what we were arrested for)

*we each responded in our own defenses, even though we were working on assumptions... the details of their allegations were vaguely "alluded to" by both [local mommies group] management as well as Godmomma

*one by one we were banned, for various reasons… we were each alerted to Godmomma's decision via email, to which we each replied. In addition, I scoured the "evidence" (private emails) that I suspected had been shared with management without my permission, and sent yet another email to Godmomma in an attempt to explain, defend, and clarify myself.

*when I STILL did not hear back from Godmomma after ages, I emailed the [network] board of directors with my story. Surely, one of these women must be mature and responsible.

*Godmomma immediately replied, accusing me of harassing her "staff" with this, my second only email to them. I immediately composed a response but waited almost a month to send it to her, out of respect for her wishes.

*meanwhile, two members were reinstated to the group, for various reasons. IP addresses were also banned so that even “innocent” members of the group can’t access the site from the networks of “The Accused Six.” Actually, IP addresses in very public places were also banned, preventing many community members from accessing the site as well.

*meetings with management were granted only to the two members who were reinstated. THEY were allowed to share their sides after (AFTER!) the mess had ended and the decisions had been made (to illustrate how this felt: it was if we were arrested and sentenced to death, then killed, then given the opportunity to share our side)

*all sides of the story were never heard

Here are a few more details that trickled in as the debacle progressed:

*the start of it all: a string of personal emails involving The Accused Six and an additional member (I'll refer to her as Member A) was shared with [local mommies group] management by Member A (to illustrate how this felt: did you ever call “Suzie” on the phone asking all kinds of questions about “Amy,” when all the while “Amy” was secretly conferenced in on the call, hearing everything? I’m ashamed to admit that I did that once…in junior high school. Hmmmmm…)

*this personal string of emails, admittedly, included some insensitivities and "venting"

*Member A partook in said insensitivies and venting, yet was not held to the same standards as The Accused Six (this is one of the many appropriate times to use the phrase "selective application of the rules")

*another member of [local mommies group], MANAGEMENT actually, had sent a nasty PM on the boards threatening to slap one of us. The PM was accidentally sent to the wrong person, so she got caught. The incident was also handled poorly. It was "brushed under the rug," so-to-speak. This incident was not related to the case to which this blog is referring but is another good example of the "selective application of the rules."

*The Accused Six were accused of initiating the email "loop" for the purposes of saying insensitivities and venting, when if the “loop” was actually looked at in its entirety (or if any OTHER emails were shared), would very clearly show otherwise (this is one of the many appropriate times to use the phrase “arguments of convenience”)

*the [local mommies group] member who shared the emails, Member A, was part of the email string and said to be "well within her right" to share them, even though [local mommies group] Rule #4 clearly states otherwise (“selective application of the rules” and "arguments of convenience")

*[local mommies group] management read the email string and suspended the [local mommies group] accounts of six of the seven members of the string, including a member who said nothing or almost nothing, but excluding Member A (who ironically also partook in the saying of insensitive things, and the venting… “selective application of the rules”)

*members of [local mommies group] (including management) started deleting members of The Accused Six from their Myspace accounts… the word had gotten out! Privacy? What? This went public... and personal.

*correspondence continued, back-and-forth, between Godmomma and The Accused Six, but was admittedly very defensive on our parts, since we had little to no information regarding the allegations and were left with nothing more than allusions, references, accusations, and labels on which to base our defenses and correspondence. I do not, however, know Godmomma's reason for being defensive... though I can guess ;)

*Godmomma decided to recommend that four of the six accounts be banned, based on the limited correspondence (or cyber-stalked information) that she had received, and based on her and [local mommies group] management’s personal biases... here, actually, are the official reasons for the bans (ladies and gentlemen, meet your renegade mommies):
**Kristie: plotting to cause trouble on the boards, and writing firm yet factual correspondence in my defense
**Jenee: posting MySpace bulletins desperately looking for information and help, and writing firm yet factual correspondence in her defense
**Kelly: writing firm yet factual correspondence in her defense
**Maria: blogging about the Mama Drama, and writing firm yet factual correspondence in her defense

That's the gyst. There are many more specifics (including copies of my emails) available… the rest of the story down to the final word can be found within the next zillion posts. I have been journaling about this whole mess for a long time… it has been cathartic.

Here is one final admission of mine: I have spent days into weeks into MONTHS involved in this mess. I wrote firm yet diplomatic (and factual) emails to both [local mommies group and network] management but was never given an opportunity to engage in an attempted "bipartisan" discussion about the scenario (local management continued to hide, and network management continued to accuse). I lost my appetite and had difficulty sleeping over this mess. I cried about it! I thought of what my baby will lose from all of this, more than I thought of what I will lose.

I love [local mommies group] and always have... this is an indisputable fact. I was an active and enthusiastic member since March of 2007; my posts, actions, and history speaks for itself... or so I thought. My impression of the group now is tainted, but I don't have any specific negative feelings about [local mommies group] even after this chain of events. I have lost respect for some of the members and management because of how everything was handled (or "wasn't handled," is what I really should say), but still think a support community of amazing women is a great resource and don't begrudge ANYONE'S involvement in it. There might be better things out there, though. Can't hurt to look...

MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT: Although I am saddened that I can no longer converse on the boards with the wonderful women that make up the group, the emotion spent and the tears I have cried this month are not for my loss of membership; they are for the sadness I feel that women (who have done nothing more than perpetuate negative female stereotypes) have painted me out to be a person I am not. A few words taken out of context and/or misinterpreted by a few hostile women have superceded the words, actions, and the person I have proven myself to be over the past year as a member of [local mommies group]. A few misinterpreted words vs. many months as an active, loyal [local mommies group] member... seems like a no-brainer to me. But then again, I'm not the one with the administrative power...

Every time I would look at my baby and feel badly that anyone in the world could think of his mom SO INACCURATELY because of this whole issue, I would have a huge pain deep down inside. But after making so many attempts to get my words out and my side of the story out, I realized something: I would so much rather be a person that others THINK is horrible than a person who actually IS horrible (cleary not everyone concurs). That is what is helping to give me closure. After all, "the evil that people do lives after them."

I have no problem not being liked. You can’t please everyone! But I am not OK with people disliking me for reasons that aren’t even close to being true. Trust me, if I am going to be disliked, I’m going to give you a darn good reason not to like me.

I just truly hope that the members of [local mommies group] can continue having open and honest dialogue with one another without fear of being watched, labeled, shunned, judged, and controlled. All this mess has done is prove that you can trust no one… and that people, and their intentions, are not always good. I can’t tell you how many [local mommies group] members have come out of the woodwork to show support, get the facts, ask questions. Management could learn something from this fantastic group of women! But in the conversations I have had with so many of these mommies, I have come to realize that the group has become tainted. People are still active, sort of, but definitely also guarded. That’s no way to build a strong, happy community.

It has been theorized that this “witch hunt” started because of personality issues that couldn’t be handled maturely. I have also heard that people thought we (The Accused Six) were “taking over” the group and that we were a threat to management! WHAT?? I’m sorry… six of the most enthusiastic and active members of the board were kicked off for THAT?? M says “you can’t believe everything you hear.” Neither can you, M.

I have always thought that those in a position of authority (such as management) should be able to put personal biases and feelings aside in order to appropriately lead a group. It seems as though this is not the case with some of the management, and that is unfortunate for the group as a whole. Just watch your backs, mommies. :(

And it’s upsetting that there are such obvious personal biases clouding the judgment of these people whose responsibility it is to be impartial in cases like this. None of the members of management have taken the time to consider the feelings and lives that have been adversely affected by this mess. Supportive sympathetic gatherings can be organized and well-attended for one “sensitive” member of management, who sentenced herself to a period of “self-imposed exile” (lie) because she couldn’t handle the opinions of her by others. Yet management can interpret my/our words and force me/us into exile with absolutely no regard to my/our feelings at all, without so much as a return phone call or an email reply to attempt to communicate with me/us.

Thanks to all of you who have reserved judgment until you heard both sides of the story. That says a LOT about you. There's an anonymous ignoramus who thinks you are ignorant... I think you are amazing.

No matter how it ended, I am so thankful for knowing all of you. I'll always be grateful to [local mommies group] for that.