15: To whom is Godmomma accountable?

No word… none, for days. I finally decided to compose what I thought might be one final email and send it to not only Godmomma, but also to the entire board of the network, so I could finally be heard. I got nowhere with local management, and nowhere with Godmomma, so I went to the board. Someone has to keep Godmomma accountable, and I did not feel at all that she was being objective to any of us, from the very beginning.

I sent this email individually to fourteen members of the board, and to Godmomma. It was sent on 2/4/08 at 11:18PM:

Good evening [board member],

My name is Kristin [last name]. Up until recently I was a member of [local mommies group]. Due to a situation (which I have outlined in greater detail below), my account was banned. I would like to call your attention to some specific [local] and [network] Community and Forum Rules, and respectfully request that [local] and [network] honor these rules with regard to my situation.

According to the Community Rules, failure to follow [local] and [network] rules could result in a warning. The accumulation of three (3) warnings results in the permanent ban of an account. My account was banned without a single warning.

According to Forum Rule #1, each member deserves respect and disrespectful behavior to a member or to the management will result in a warning. If my behavior was deemed disrespectful, I was never informed. I never received a single warning.

According to Forum Rule #2, hate posts and personal attacks will not be tolerated. Talking trash about another user is not acceptable. These posts will be deleted and may result in a warning. Only ONE of my more than 1600 posts was ever deleted; this was because I unknowingly asked about a competing site ([site]). A moderator explained it to me and that was the end of it. If the personal emails that were shared with [local] and [network] management were deemed to be "hate posts," "personal attacks," and considered, "talking trash," I was never given a warning.

According to Forum Rule #4, members are to respect the privacy of each other and of our leadership team. Information learned via private message, email or on private forums cannot be shared without the permission of the member. My membership was put under review and subsequently banned due to personal emails of mine that were shared without my (a member of [local group]) permission.

According to Forum Rule #5, members are entitled to contact admin@[localmommiesgroup].com and and they will review the situation. Disagreements occur. Members should try to communicate with them first on a respectful level and settle the disagreement. Additionally, if a member has a problem with a manager or moderator, she is asked to contact another member of the leadership team. Moderators work under the supervision of the [network] administration and any problems a member might have with their performance should be called to that administrator's attention via private message or email. I have made repeated attempts to communicate with [local] and [network] management. I have sent emails and made phone calls in my attempts to resolve this situation respectfully and fairly. [local management] and [network management] has made no attempt to do the same. I have seen no communication from [local management] and [network management] aiming to resolve this situation at all.

This is my final attempt to be heard regarding an unfortunate issue with [local mommies group] and [the network]. I was recently banned as a [local mommies group] member by [Godmomma]. I am not interested in appealing that ban. I am merely interested in being heard. My reputation in my community has been subject to hearsay and slander, and I will not tolerate not being able to share my side (as per the rules of your organization). I would like to do this in a mature and diplomatic way, but I need your help. There were other women involved in this issue, but I can, and will, only speak for myself.

Several emails amongst a group of my peers who I happened to meet on the [local mommies group] boards were shared with [local] and [network] Management. As far as I can interpret [local mommies group] Rule #4, the member who shared the emails was in violation of the rules, but no action was taken against her. While I do feel that this selective application of the rules of the community is unacceptable, that is not my biggest concern.

Initially, I was informed that my account was considered "pending" (I often referred to my account as being "suspended," simply by virtue of the definition of the word). I contacted as many members of [local] Management as I could in as many ways as I could, but was given no further information. I continued to try to contact [local] Management for clarification, feeling very strongly that I was entitled to be informed of what I was being accused. I received no response. I eventually was able to get a vague allusion to a violation of Rule #6 by an administrator of [local mommies group] over the phone, and then shortly thereafter, a vague allusion to the alleged violations via email.

After scouring my brain, trying to determine what could be at the root of this accusation, I contacted [local mommies group] directly with my theories (since I was given NO guidance, I was forced to guess!). I never received a response. Shortly thereafter, I sent as many details of my case and correspondence as I could to all of you. That same night, I received notification from [Godmomma] that my account had been formally banned, and the reasons for this were alluded to within the content of her email to me. In essence, I was being banned for writing personal emails that administration used to label me as a racist, a troublemaker, and an instigator.

Words that were allegedly written by me in this email string were interpreted by [local] and [network] Management, and I was thusly banned from being a [local mommies group] member. I was never given the opportunity to be presented with the "evidence" that was being used to ban me from [local mommies group], and never asked my side of the story. I spent days theorizing and obsessing over what I could have possibly said to lead these women to believe I was a racist, instigator, and troublemaker?!

I scoured the email string that I suspected had been compromised, trying to read all of my words from any other perspective, and I picked out the ones that I thought could have been interpreted negatively. I composed yet another email to [Godmomma] quoting myself and including the intended meaning of the words, to try to clarify the situation. I have, to date, received no response to my attempt at clarification. I have spent days trying to explain myself and be heard. I have been trying to help [the network] understand, and I have been trying to help myself be cleared of these awful inaccurate labels that are defaming my character.

I understand that any and all words are subject to interpretation by any who read them, which is why I fault neither [local] nor [network] Management for flagging them. However, there are interpretations of words and intentions of words, and unfortunately, the two are not always the same when read by multiple people. But who is to say your interpretation of the words are right, and my intentions of the words are wrong? I am, after all, the one who allegedly wrote them. Don't my intentions matter at all?

I am just so shocked and disappointed that the decision to ban my account came so quickly, without any evidence being presented to me (I still have not received any, despite requesting it multiple times), and without my side ever being requested. According to [local mommies group] rules, disrespectful behavior results in a warning. An accumulation of three (3) warnings results in the banning of an account. I never received a warning. Additionally, the rules state that one should communicate with management and/or moderators should a disagreement occur, and that the disagreement be settled respectfully. I have repeatedly made attempts to communicate with [local] and [network] management to no avail. I am abiding by the rules, respectfully attempting to settle this situation, but [local management] and [network management] are not reciprocating. I told my side, as I am continuing to do, on my own; [local management] and [network management] have never attempted to communicate and settle this with me at all. No one has ever asked for my side of the story.

This is no longer about my membership on [local mommies group]. This is about my life. [Local mommies group] was not just an online community; for me, it became the community in which I live, shop, eat, play, socialize, etc. Because of this recent issue, I have to worry that people I meet outside of my home are going to have (inaccurate) preconceived notions of me because of [local]’s and [network]’s (inaccurate) interpretation of words, that I was never given an opportunity to clarify.

You may tell me not to worry, that it is against the rules for [local] Management to share details of this issue with the members. But to that, I respond that there is a documented history of [local] Management's violation of said rules with no consequences, so saying that they are not "allowed" to share details is not a comfort. As a matter of fact, several [local mommies group] members (management AND members) have deleted me from their Myspace "friends." Clearly our privacy is not being respected; the (biased) only side of the story that [local management] knows is being disseminated. In addition, even if they do not claim to share details, their personal biases will certainly shine through. Case in point: a current member of [local] Management recently divulged that while out of respect for the members, she could not share the details of the case, she would inform them that what the accused members said (to get themselves banned) was (and I quote) "shocking." I am certain that people are not thinking that "shocking" good things got me banned from [local mommies group]. "Respect" and "privacy" are not two words that appear to be correctly defined in the vocabularies of [local] Management.

I have been a very active and enthusiastic member of [local mommies group] since March 26, 2007. I have made almost two thousand posts, none of which were racist, argumentative, nor did they instigate an argument (I encourage you to please investigate that fact for yourselves... my [local mommies group] username was [username]). The same can not be said about every other member of the boards, including members of Management. We are talking about almost a year of a person's character, reputation, and life, being unfairly judged and labeled by a few misinterpreted words. My history and reputation on [local mommies group] (as illustrated by both my posts as well as words that members and management have said and still say about me) should give you a better indication of the kind of person I am than some words said in jest and/or taken out of context via email.

I have planned and attended play dates, Nights Out, groupwide activities, and more. I have spent a lot of money and time on items and initiatives that promote the group. I have been praised by many members (particularly Management) for my promotional efforts, and for my enthusiasm and obvious love of the group. I was even asked to be the Promotions Manager! I have traveled distances, late at night (when I was an exclusively breastfeeding mother who had a very young baby that got up several times at night, and then extremely early in the morning to start the day) to support one member of [local] Management (one of my accusers) in particular when she was going through a hard time personally. I even received a card from said member of Management, thanking me for my friendship and support.

I would happily provide you with a specific list of the "good" I have done with/for [local mommies group] over the past year, but will it be a waste of my time? Will you listen, and take any of it into consideration? Up until now, none of my words have seemed to matter. I am so disappointed that a group that is supposed to be welcoming, friendly, and supportive has proven to be so unfairly and obviously unsupportive.

Please note while I do not agree with her actions, that I do not begrudge the actions of the member who surrendered the email string. I have decided to hope that her motives were well-intended. I also do not begrudge [local] or [network] Management for misinterpreting my words. I understand how the words could have looked from other perspectives, and how they felt the need to pursue the issue. But I do begrudge not being able to come to my own defense at all, not ever being asked for my side of the story, and not being fairly "tried," so-to-speak. I do begrudge this when it is so clearly against the rules of [local mommies group] and [network] to do so.

In one of the emails that I sent to [network management], I stated that any person in a position of power over an organization is subject to scrutiny. I believe that. I believe an effective leader not only can and should be questioned, but can and should be able to provide answers. I have not been provided answers, which is why I am resorting to sending an email with as much detail of my story to all of you. I understand that [Godmomma] and all of you are mothers with jobs, plans, friends, families, lives that take your time (as well they should). I know that it can not be easy volunteering your time for [the network] in addition to all other things you have going on in your lives, and I admire you all for doing so. But I am asking you to try to see my perspective. I am a mom, like all of you. I have jobs, plans, friends, families, and a life, like all of you. I have grown to love the mommies community. And now I am hoping that you can help me finally have a fair and responsible dialogue about this case.

I will ask you this: if you choose to pursue this issue, as I hope you will, PLEASE contact me directly (via email or telephone) in addition to any of my [local] or [network] accusers, to discuss matters. In light of recent events, I do not trust anyone alone to be unbiased and to accurately portray the details of both sides of the issue.

To help you better understand my side of the story, please see (below) all of the emails I have sent to [local] and/or [network] Management in the last week. I am sure [Godmomma] or [local] Management can provide you with the "evidence" of the case against me, as they are apparently not considered "private."

All of this below is what brought me to sending this entire email. I hope this helps to share SOME of my story. Thank you for taking the time to read all of this. I truly appreciate it. I look forward to hearing from you and beginning a discussion about this situation, as per the rules of [local mommies group] and [network]. I feel that continued inaction on the part of [local mommies group] and [network] is in violation of said rules and hypocritical, particularly when I (though no longer a member of [local mommies group] and [network]) have adhered to these rules.

Thank you, again, for your time.

Respectfully,

Kristie [last name]
[telephone number]