6: A bulleted summary... with links

Well, the mama-drama dragged on for a long time (for me, anyway)... and now it's come this-- a blog. No members of [local mommies group] management have ever responded to my many attempts at communication, and the president of [the entire network] has stopped correspondence. My primary concern is to get my side out (since I see [and hear] that management has had no problem getting THEIR side out). The other members of "The Accused Six" (think, Lost fans, think) have also found ways to tell their side.

This summary (though long) skims the whole ordeal. The entire blog contains posts that give the specific details (and I have put links in the summary in case you are interested in reading some/all of the specific details).

I know this will get back to management (and others), which is expected. I think it's important for everyone to hear both sides of the story. And although it seems like management is claiming to respect the privacy of The Accused Six, their (and I quote) "shocking" personal biases are shining through. I wanted to avoid going into a narrative HERE of the events that started World War III (I wanted to keep my "shocking" personal biases from shining through)... but so much for that! But at least for now, in this post, I am simply going to state the facts... with which NO ONE can argue.

I've taken a lot of heat for hanging on to this drama, even from the other members involved. But I don't answer to them or anyone. Plenty of not-so-nice things have been said to and about me in regards to this, but others' opinions and judgments are not my motivation for this blog. This is being done for ME. I need it to move on. I don't expect or care if others understand that, though it would be nice. But this is for me. My side deserves to be told.

The bottom line: due to the sharing of private email correspondence (OFF the boards), I (and three other amazing mommies) was banned from [local mommies group]. This correspondence included statements taken out of context and therefore seemed insensitive. Management refused to correspond with me, choosing instead to violate their own rules and protocol. They terminated my membership to [local mommies group], divulged false information about my correspondence to other members of [local mommies group], and negatively affected my reputation in my community.

Here is the abridged version of the scenario. Yes, believe it or not, this is the abridged version. If you want more details, please feel free to read the rest of my blog, or click on the links to get the details:

*six members of [the local mommies group] were suspended from the boards for several days with no explanation... we'll call them "The Accused Six"

*although many of The Accused Six attempted to contact [local mommies group] management for clarification via telephone, text, and email, [local mommies group] management did not respond (to illustrate how this felt: it was if we were being arrested but not being told why)

*eventually [local mommies group] management suspended our accounts. We were all notified via a very vague email, to which I immediately sent a reply.

*[local mommies group] management replied with another vague email, to which I immediately sent a reply. I also later volunteered some more information in an additional email, thinking I could help clarify the obvious confusion. Days later I finally sent a third email to [local] management since I still had not heard anything.

*almost 48 hours came and went, and still... no word. I finally decided to take it upon myself to contact the [network] administrators, hoping they could help shed some light.

*in the meantime, some of us received a form-email from the [the network] president (let's call her "Godmomma," since that is what she calls herself... is this pathetic? Or a power trip? Or both? Who knows!) who requested that we elaborate on the situation, though we were never told what we did (to illustrate how this felt: it was if we were arrested and asked to defend ourselves in front of the judge without being told what we were arrested for)

*we each responded in our own defenses, even though we were working on assumptions... the details of their allegations were vaguely "alluded to" by both [local mommies group] management as well as Godmomma

*one by one we were banned, for various reasons… we were each alerted to Godmomma's decision via email, to which we each replied. In addition, I scoured the "evidence" (private emails) that I suspected had been shared with management without my permission, and sent yet another email to Godmomma in an attempt to explain, defend, and clarify myself.

*when I STILL did not hear back from Godmomma after ages, I emailed the [network] board of directors with my story. Surely, one of these women must be mature and responsible.

*Godmomma immediately replied, accusing me of harassing her "staff" with this, my second only email to them. I immediately composed a response but waited almost a month to send it to her, out of respect for her wishes.

*meanwhile, two members were reinstated to the group, for various reasons. IP addresses were also banned so that even “innocent” members of the group can’t access the site from the networks of “The Accused Six.” Actually, IP addresses in very public places were also banned, preventing many community members from accessing the site as well.

*meetings with management were granted only to the two members who were reinstated. THEY were allowed to share their sides after (AFTER!) the mess had ended and the decisions had been made (to illustrate how this felt: it was if we were arrested and sentenced to death, then killed, then given the opportunity to share our side)

*all sides of the story were never heard

Here are a few more details that trickled in as the debacle progressed:

*the start of it all: a string of personal emails involving The Accused Six and an additional member (I'll refer to her as Member A) was shared with [local mommies group] management by Member A (to illustrate how this felt: did you ever call “Suzie” on the phone asking all kinds of questions about “Amy,” when all the while “Amy” was secretly conferenced in on the call, hearing everything? I’m ashamed to admit that I did that once…in junior high school. Hmmmmm…)

*this personal string of emails, admittedly, included some insensitivities and "venting"

*Member A partook in said insensitivies and venting, yet was not held to the same standards as The Accused Six (this is one of the many appropriate times to use the phrase "selective application of the rules")

*another member of [local mommies group], MANAGEMENT actually, had sent a nasty PM on the boards threatening to slap one of us. The PM was accidentally sent to the wrong person, so she got caught. The incident was also handled poorly. It was "brushed under the rug," so-to-speak. This incident was not related to the case to which this blog is referring but is another good example of the "selective application of the rules."

*The Accused Six were accused of initiating the email "loop" for the purposes of saying insensitivities and venting, when if the “loop” was actually looked at in its entirety (or if any OTHER emails were shared), would very clearly show otherwise (this is one of the many appropriate times to use the phrase “arguments of convenience”)

*the [local mommies group] member who shared the emails, Member A, was part of the email string and said to be "well within her right" to share them, even though [local mommies group] Rule #4 clearly states otherwise (“selective application of the rules” and "arguments of convenience")

*[local mommies group] management read the email string and suspended the [local mommies group] accounts of six of the seven members of the string, including a member who said nothing or almost nothing, but excluding Member A (who ironically also partook in the saying of insensitive things, and the venting… “selective application of the rules”)

*members of [local mommies group] (including management) started deleting members of The Accused Six from their Myspace accounts… the word had gotten out! Privacy? What? This went public... and personal.

*correspondence continued, back-and-forth, between Godmomma and The Accused Six, but was admittedly very defensive on our parts, since we had little to no information regarding the allegations and were left with nothing more than allusions, references, accusations, and labels on which to base our defenses and correspondence. I do not, however, know Godmomma's reason for being defensive... though I can guess ;)

*Godmomma decided to recommend that four of the six accounts be banned, based on the limited correspondence (or cyber-stalked information) that she had received, and based on her and [local mommies group] management’s personal biases... here, actually, are the official reasons for the bans (ladies and gentlemen, meet your renegade mommies):
**Kristie: plotting to cause trouble on the boards, and writing firm yet factual correspondence in my defense
**Jenee: posting MySpace bulletins desperately looking for information and help, and writing firm yet factual correspondence in her defense
**Kelly: writing firm yet factual correspondence in her defense
**Maria: blogging about the Mama Drama, and writing firm yet factual correspondence in her defense

That's the gyst. There are many more specifics (including copies of my emails) available… the rest of the story down to the final word can be found within the next zillion posts. I have been journaling about this whole mess for a long time… it has been cathartic.

Here is one final admission of mine: I have spent days into weeks into MONTHS involved in this mess. I wrote firm yet diplomatic (and factual) emails to both [local mommies group and network] management but was never given an opportunity to engage in an attempted "bipartisan" discussion about the scenario (local management continued to hide, and network management continued to accuse). I lost my appetite and had difficulty sleeping over this mess. I cried about it! I thought of what my baby will lose from all of this, more than I thought of what I will lose.

I love [local mommies group] and always have... this is an indisputable fact. I was an active and enthusiastic member since March of 2007; my posts, actions, and history speaks for itself... or so I thought. My impression of the group now is tainted, but I don't have any specific negative feelings about [local mommies group] even after this chain of events. I have lost respect for some of the members and management because of how everything was handled (or "wasn't handled," is what I really should say), but still think a support community of amazing women is a great resource and don't begrudge ANYONE'S involvement in it. There might be better things out there, though. Can't hurt to look...

MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT: Although I am saddened that I can no longer converse on the boards with the wonderful women that make up the group, the emotion spent and the tears I have cried this month are not for my loss of membership; they are for the sadness I feel that women (who have done nothing more than perpetuate negative female stereotypes) have painted me out to be a person I am not. A few words taken out of context and/or misinterpreted by a few hostile women have superceded the words, actions, and the person I have proven myself to be over the past year as a member of [local mommies group]. A few misinterpreted words vs. many months as an active, loyal [local mommies group] member... seems like a no-brainer to me. But then again, I'm not the one with the administrative power...

Every time I would look at my baby and feel badly that anyone in the world could think of his mom SO INACCURATELY because of this whole issue, I would have a huge pain deep down inside. But after making so many attempts to get my words out and my side of the story out, I realized something: I would so much rather be a person that others THINK is horrible than a person who actually IS horrible (cleary not everyone concurs). That is what is helping to give me closure. After all, "the evil that people do lives after them."

I have no problem not being liked. You can’t please everyone! But I am not OK with people disliking me for reasons that aren’t even close to being true. Trust me, if I am going to be disliked, I’m going to give you a darn good reason not to like me.

I just truly hope that the members of [local mommies group] can continue having open and honest dialogue with one another without fear of being watched, labeled, shunned, judged, and controlled. All this mess has done is prove that you can trust no one… and that people, and their intentions, are not always good. I can’t tell you how many [local mommies group] members have come out of the woodwork to show support, get the facts, ask questions. Management could learn something from this fantastic group of women! But in the conversations I have had with so many of these mommies, I have come to realize that the group has become tainted. People are still active, sort of, but definitely also guarded. That’s no way to build a strong, happy community.

It has been theorized that this “witch hunt” started because of personality issues that couldn’t be handled maturely. I have also heard that people thought we (The Accused Six) were “taking over” the group and that we were a threat to management! WHAT?? I’m sorry… six of the most enthusiastic and active members of the board were kicked off for THAT?? M says “you can’t believe everything you hear.” Neither can you, M.

I have always thought that those in a position of authority (such as management) should be able to put personal biases and feelings aside in order to appropriately lead a group. It seems as though this is not the case with some of the management, and that is unfortunate for the group as a whole. Just watch your backs, mommies. :(

And it’s upsetting that there are such obvious personal biases clouding the judgment of these people whose responsibility it is to be impartial in cases like this. None of the members of management have taken the time to consider the feelings and lives that have been adversely affected by this mess. Supportive sympathetic gatherings can be organized and well-attended for one “sensitive” member of management, who sentenced herself to a period of “self-imposed exile” (lie) because she couldn’t handle the opinions of her by others. Yet management can interpret my/our words and force me/us into exile with absolutely no regard to my/our feelings at all, without so much as a return phone call or an email reply to attempt to communicate with me/us.

Thanks to all of you who have reserved judgment until you heard both sides of the story. That says a LOT about you. There's an anonymous ignoramus who thinks you are ignorant... I think you are amazing.

No matter how it ended, I am so thankful for knowing all of you. I'll always be grateful to [local mommies group] for that.